Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho
by Pipidae
Summary: Ichigo and Renji find a list of fifty things guaranteed to piss off Yamamoto. Oh, the horror.
1. A Mysterious Message

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

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**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p>Renji and Ichigo trudged back to the sixth squad quarters after a long day of training. Their bodies were sore from the constant abuse from the wooden training swords, and each stepped made Ichigo wince and Renji hiss.<p>

As they neared the proper building, Renji noticed a notice on his door. They two curious shinigami edged closer to see what it could say. Written on the front was a neatly scrawled note.

_For Renji and Ichigo._

_In case you get bored._

There was no signature.

Shrugging, the redhead and the ginger pulled open the fancy wax seal, letting a new piece of paper tumble to the ground.

"Enclosed is a list of fifty things that will greatly annoy Yamamoto-soutaicho. Please carry out as many as you can and enjoy," Renji read aloud as Ichigo bent to pick up the paper. Both shinigami grinned, their injuries forgotten. This could be fun.

_**_.-'-._**_

In his office, watching the two shinigami read the note, Byakuya let himself grin too. Life was about to get very interesting in Seireitei.

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><p>Just something I'm doing while procrastinating on The Beast Within. Again, thanks a ton to Kirani, and do enjoy. (:<p> 


	2. Who Needs Shirts?

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

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**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p><em>1. Follow him around, asking why he so feels the need to rip his shirt off every time he fights.<em>

Ichigo and Renji jogged through the streets of Seireitei. It was most definitely time to put the list into action. Number one, as Ichigo had read, smirking, was to continuously ask the old man why he just couldn't do battle with his shirt on like the rest of the shinigami.

They rounded a corner, and found the soutaicho talking with Matsumoto, probably lecturing her on her constant drunken state on Hitsugaya's behalf. The two mischievous shinigami have each other a look, and proceeded to put the plan into action.

"Yamamoto-soutaicho!" Renji yelled, as both he and his strawberry-headed friend dove to the ground in deep bows before the old man.

"What is it, Abarai?"

"There's an invader, soutaicho! He has a very strong reiatsu, and he is yelling that he wishes to do battle with you!" Renji yelled, keeping his face hidden. It wouldn't do to have the old man see that Renji was barely containing a laugh.

"What?" Yamamoto screeched. In an instant, he had discarded his shirt at a speed that would have made Yoruichi proud. He towered over Ichigo and Renji, his reiatsu nearly flattening the surrounding buildings, and his wrinkly, old, ripped chest bare in the sunlight.

Ichigo looked up. "Jii-san," he started. Yamamoto threw him an impatient look. "Why did you take your shirt off?"

The question surprised the captain-commander. His reiatsu stopped flaring, and he looked genuinely confused. "I…well, I…It's a captain thing. You wouldn't understand, substitute. Now where is this enemy?"

Renji looked up, too. "Kuchiki-taicho never takes his shirt off."

"And neither do any of the other captains, now that I think about it," Ichigo mused.

Yamamoto had a furious expression on his face. "Look, it's because I am far superior in every way. Tell me where I need to go, boy!"

"You'd think a superior being would be able to control his reiatsu enough to fight without destroying a good shirt every time," Renji half-whispered to Ichigo. Yamamoto looked positively furious.

"You know what? I'll go get a new shirt! And then I'll go fight this enemy! And when it doesn't go well and you all lose you puny, insignificant lives to my rage, you'll be wishing you had let me fight how I wanted to fight in the first place!" the old man ranted, throwing his hands in the air and stalking off. He half-turned back when he had gotten partway down the street. "Where is this guy, anyway? I'll beat him silly!"

Ichigo looked at Renji. Renji looked at Ichigo. At the same moment, they took off as fast as they could in the opposite direction. "See ya later, soutaicho!"

Needless to say, Yamamoto was _not_ happy.

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><p>Whoo, that was fun. (:<p> 


	3. The Song That Gets on Yamamoto's Nerves

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p><em>2. Sing the never-ending song outside the windows during a captains' meeting.<em>

"This is a very important meeting," Yamamoto began, addressing his nine remaining captains. "We are here today to discuss the impending threat of the arrancar Aizen has created."

Yamamoto stood up for once, just to prove a point. After all, he couldn't stress enough how dangerous the arrancar could be to Soul Society and the world of the living. He opened his mouth to speak, but at that moment, a loud, off-key wailing hit his ears, coming faintly through the window. He paused for a moment to listen, wondering what the wailing was, and instantly regretted it.

Two male voices, very familiar, floated through the window, belting out a rather obnoxious melody. "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves…"

Yamamoto cracked on eye open. What the devil were those two idiots up to now? The song got louder in the silence. Kyouraku stifled a chuckle.

"…on everybody's nerves, on everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes. I know a song…"

Yamamoto scowled and threw open a window, intending to scold them for their impudence. However, the removal of the barrier between he and the singing shinigami caused the loudness of the terrible racket in the meeting room to rise considerably. And, of course, to Yamamoto's displeasure, two new voices had joined in: Matsumoto and Hanatarou.

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves…"_

Yamamoto nearly threw his hands over his ears. How could four people possibly be so _loud_?

Then, from behind him, came an unmistakable tune.

Ukitake and Kyouraku had joined the rebels, singing loudly in deep voices. Even Kenpachi and Kurotsuchi were humming along. Soi Fon, Hitsugaya, and Kuchiki were still mercifully quiet, but Komamura and Unohana looked on the verge of breaking out in song at any moment. Yamamoto ground his teeth. "Silence!" he yelled, but by now the annoying jingle was so loud he could scarcely even hear himself.

"**I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES. I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES, AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES…"**

Then, just as Yamamoto felt he could take now more of the cruel torture, the voices stopped. Silence filled the room.

"What were you saying, Yamamoto-soutaicho?" Byakuya asked innocently.

"I…I was saying…" darn that Ichigo and Renji! Maybe he should just act like nothing had happened and get on with the meeting. But what had he been thinking about before the interruption? The old man wracked his brains. _Aizen…arrancar… Iknowasongthatgetsoneverybody'snerves…_

_Dammit._

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><p>Don't forget to review! (:<p> 


	4. Number One

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p><em>3. Switch the ringtone on his soul pager to "Number One."<em>

Ichigo snuck out of Yamamoto's office, grinning evilly. _Mission complete_, as Don Kanonji would say. He crept back out to the courtyard, where Renji was still distracting the old man with another few rounds of the Song that Gets on Everybody's Nerves. If the old soutaicho had any hair, he would be pulling it out with frustration. Ichigo flashed his partner-in-crime a thumbs up, and the red-head flash stepped away, to wait at a safe distance for their next plan to come into action. Once Ichigo had joined him, the vice-captain pulled out his standard issue soul pager and dialed the number to connect to Yamamoto's.

Down in the courtyard, the old man heard a faint vibration coming from his soul pager, and knew in a second it would begin to ring, signaling that a hollow was nearby. But it would have to be a rather strong hollow for his pager to ring. _Either that or a high-level shinigami was calling him_, he mused.

The old man was drawn back to reality by the sound of the pager ringing. Something was not right. It should be beeping, like any other soul pager, but instead, a pounding drum beat came from it, followed by a screaming electric guitar. _What?_

Yamamoto flash-stepped back to his office, searching for his soul pager. The ringtone had progressed, and had become rather loud. A singer began to wail over the guitar.

_Ohh-oohh, ohhh._

_Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah._

What was this? This was definitely not the protocol ringtone.

_If you wanna see some action_

_Gotta be the center OF A-TTRAC-TION._

What in Soul Society was that obnoxious song? Why was his soul pager playing it, for the Soul King's sake? And why couldn't he find it? Yamamoto flung open drawers and overturned cabinets, searching for the soul pager, trying to stop the obnoxious noise.

_Make sure that they got their eyes on you,_

_Like the face that they see on every magazine._

_Be the focus of attention,_

_Be the name that every-ONE MUST MEN-TION._

Oh, god. Yamamoto realized what the song could be. Was it…oh, hollow turds. It _was_.

His new ringtone was Ichigo Kurosaki's theme song.

Life could not be any more embarrassing.


	5. Ghostly

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p>4. <em>Dress up all the souls in Soul Society in sheets and have them float around, whispering, "Ooooo"<em>

Renji, after spending hours asking for donations for the new plot, had been surprised his captain, normally so paranoid about money, had been so willing to donate 1000 white sheets to his vice-captain. However, Renji didn't question the noble's motives, and instead brought the sheets to Karakura Town for Ichigo, where the real fun would begin.

…

Ichigo found a last Plus, threw the sheet over the protesting form, gave it some quick instructions, and then gave it a rushed soul burial. He had to finish sending his share of the white-clothed spirits to Soul Society before the time limit, or they would miss Yamamoto-soutaicho's evening walk and have to finish the scheme the following night.

…

Yamamoto walked down the path towards the forest outside Seireitei. He quite enjoyed taking a stroll during the twilight hours, when all was calm and peaceful. No annoying red haired vice-captains, no aggravating substitutes. Just he, his zanpakuto, and nature.

Suddenly, he heard the opening bars of Number One. He still hadn't figured out how to change his ringtone back, so for the time being, he would have to deal with the obnoxious strawberry's theme song. Disgustedly, Yamamoto pulled out his soul pager and whipped it open.

_What the-?_

According to the blinking screen, a huge group of spirits was headed his way. None were hollows, but the sheer amount of unfamiliar spirit particles amassed into the space was enough to set the soutaicho's soul pager off. It was as if half the population of Rukongai had banded together and then managed to condense themselves into a space a third their size. And even as the old man stashed away the little device once more, he felt the reiatsu pouring from a spot quite close to him. Alarmed, he flash-stepped in that direction.

…

The sight that greeted him in a small clearing in the northern part of the forest was strange, to say the least. Thousands of souls were gathered there, and all of them appeared to be…wearing white sheets? What?

As Yamamoto drew closer, he realized the souls were muttering something, all of them very quietly. The old man caught one, and, throwing his face right in his captive's face, yelled, "Just what is going on here?"

The soul, her face was hidden by the lumpy white sheet, whispered, "OOoooooOOOOooo…."

What?

Slowly, the rest of the crowd diverged upon the soutaicho, making a variety of rather typical ghostly noises.

"Boo…"

"OoooOOOhhh…"

"Beware…"

"Ahhhh…."

If Yamamoto hadn't been so astounded by the antics of the residents of Rukongai, he would have facepalmed. Was this Ichigo and Renji's idea of a practical joke? Rounding up a bunch of stray spirits and make them act like typical ghosts? It was a bit pathetic.

Of course, Yamamoto had no idea that the fun was just about to begin.

…

After angrily chasing the last little soul out of the clearing and confiscating his reiatsu-enhancing ghost sheet, Yamamoto wearily headed back to Seireitei. Honestly, he didn't know if he could put up with any more of these stupid pranks. Oh, was he in for a surprise.

The old man walked back into his office, and called for someone to get him a cup of tea. Maybe he could still relax.

Pft. Not a chance.

A young member of his division came in bearing a cup of steaming tea. She was respectful, bowing and being quiet and deferential and all, but it wasn't her manner that angered the soutaicho.

It was the fact that she was wearing a white sheet over her head.

Yamamoto groaned and all but jumped out a window. Which probably wouldn't have helped anyway, seeing as a large number of shinigami were now waiting outside his office, dressed as ghosts and OOOoo-ing away like there was no tomorrow.

Yamamoto was just banging his head repeatedly against a wall when he felt the reiatsu of his nine remaining captains entering the room.

"What's wrong, Yama-jii?" Ukitake asked.

"What's wrong? What's _wrong_?" The old man screeched like a fisherman's wife, swishing around to face the gathered captains. "I've been-" He was cut short by the sight that greeted him. Not nine properly attired shinigami captains faced him, but nine childishly grinning soul reapers wearing white sheets over their heads.

_Good lord_, Yamamoto thought.

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><p>Heh. You see what I did there, Kirani? DP reference up there. Ya see it? Squint a bit.<p> 


	6. Life Ain't Fair, Yama jii

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

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**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p><em>5. Post posters of Ichigo, Renji, and Yamamoto around Seireitei, with votes on who's better.<em>

Yamamoto woke to a new day, full of sunshine, a fresh breeze, the smell of frying bacon, and the sweet sound of-screaming? What?

Yamamoto cracked an eye open and peered out his window. If anyone was hurt nearby, it was his job as the soutaicho to fix it…or get someone to fix it. Yeah…

Either way, though, he should at least check on the problem. The old man heaved himself out of bed and padded to the window. Looking down for any signs of trouble in Seireitei, he quickly spotted the source of the incessant shrieks. A group of shinigami girls stood by a large poster of…oh, Kami…shirtless Renji, shirtless Ichigo, and WHAT? A shirtless version of himself grinned down at the crowd.

Yamamoto sighed, then made his way down to confront the yelling fangirls. As he drew close, he heard their cries more clearly.

"Obviously, Renji is hotter! Look at those tattoos!"

"As if! Ichigo has sexiest hair!"

"Ichigo is a stupid, fruity name."

"Fruity? Renji looks like a pineapple!"

Yamamoto suddenly noticed he had no fangirls.

"ENOUGH!" the old man yelled, a bit peeved. "What is going on here?"

"Not much," Ichigo said, jumping down off a roof.

"Yeah," said Renji. "We're just having a bit of a contest."

The fangirls screamed and glomped.

"So, ladies," Ichigo said, wiggling his orange eyebrows a bit. "Who wins, me, Renji, or Yamamoto?"

"Heh," Renji laughed. "Or is there someone we can eliminate automatically?"

The crowd grew quiet, many of the girls shooting quick, timid glances at Yamamoto.

"What?" Ichigo grinned. "Nobody thinks the old guy is a sexy beast?"

Nobody responded.

The soutaicho sighed. All those cute girls. Life wasn't fair.

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><p>Heehee. Poor Yama-jii. By the way, thanks to you guys for all the reviews. You guys are faaaantastic!<p> 


	7. Wheee!

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

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**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p><em>6. Let Ichigo's hollow loose in Seireitei.<em>

Renji glanced over at Ichigo. They had chosen a spot in the middle of Seireitei, but with few buildings, so not too much of the shinigami fort would be destroyed in their next little prank. "You ready?"

Ichigo smirked. "Hell yeah." The ginger concentrated on his soul, meditating for a moment, and then let forth the spirit of the hollow that lived within his mind. White face, white hair, white kimono. Yellow irises set on black sclera. A broad grin, concealing a neon blue tongue.

"Holy hakama," Renji said, a bit surprised by the hollow's creepy appearance.

"Well, King, I guess since you were so kind as to let me out for a bit, and I was a bit bored anyways, I could do you the favor of destroying a bit of the place," the hollow grinned, his face an exact mirror of Ichigo's.

"That's what you're here for, hollow. That's what you're here for."

…

"AHHAHAHAHAHAHA! HEHEHEHEH! AAHHHHAAHAAHHAAH!~"

The hollow rampaged through Seireitei, easily knocking over buildings, throwing low-ranked shinigami about, and stealing candy from young children. Ichigo and Renji followed close behind, laughing at the utter destruction the bored hollow caused and keeping an eye out to make sure things didn't go too far.

His insane laughter trailed behind the little group, leaving rubble and cackles in their wake.

…

Yamamoto surveyed the damage in mid-Seireitei with a slow shake of his head. It was gonna cost quite a bit to repair all the damage to the buildings. And just _what_ had managed to do this, anyway?

Off to the east, the old man heard another crash. He sighed, then made his way over to try and see if he could do anything to help. The sight that greeted his eyes was not, however, a pleasant one.

Leaping through windows and solid walls and screeching with laughter as he did so was a pure white version of the soutaicho's least favorite substitute shinigami. Chasing him were none other than -who else?- Renji and Ichigo. The old man rubbed his temples with two fingers. He thought that just the two of them was bad enough, but now the orange-headed one had a twin? Today was not going to be fun, he could tell.

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><p>Ah, short, sweet, and sadistic. The best kind, ne?<p>

Anyways, I have two things to say:

a) I am fully aware the Ichigo cannot (and wouldn't even if he could) materialize his hollow like this, but it was fun to write anyway.

b) Reading this while listening to a loop track of Shirosaki laughing makes it allllll the better. (:

Review away, my minions!


	8. Be Mine, Valentine

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

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**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p><em>7. Paint his office pink.<em>

Ichigo and Renji stashed their supplies under the old man's desk, covered hem with a purple blanket, and sneakily snuck out of the room. In their opinions, in was much, MUCH prettier than it used to be. Yumichika and Yamamoto might not agree, though. Insert evil smile here.

…

Yamamoto dismissed the captains from their meeting, and headed back to his office. He still needed to finish his paperwork for that week, and as soutaicho, it was his responsibility to set a good example for everyone else and do his work correctly and punctually. Not that it made much of a difference. Nobody but Soi Fon-taicho and Hitsugaya-taicho actually bothered to do their work when he wanted them to. Even Mr. Noble-Holier-Than-Thou-Byakuya tended to put it off, claiming he had a clan to tend to. Bull, in Yamamoto's opinion.

But as he flung open his door, he realized he might not be able to do his paperwork today.

The room was now painted magenta, a shade so bright it nearly hurt to look at it. The walls were covered in red and white hearts, but the paint was still wet, so many of them had tails of dripping paint reaching down to the floor. The floor was littered with light pink confetti that clashed awfully with the walls. Every time the old man took a step, bursts of pink flew up in clouds, then settled back to the floor. From the ceiling hung little paper figures, waving slightly in the breeze from the open window. As Yamamoto looked closer, he realized they were fat babies wearing only diapers and carrying garish pink bows. In one corner, a little human boombox played lovey-dovey music, and a large sign in the center of the room proclaimed in purple, "HAPPY ST. VALENTINE'S DAY, SOUTAICHO!"

Yamamoto felt a vein throb in his forehead. This was by far the most hideous room he'd ever been in. How on earth was he supposed to fix this? And for the Soul King's sake, Valentine's Day was in _February_.


	9. La Undécima Espada, Kenpachi Zaraki

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

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**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p><em>8. Convince him Kenpachi switched to Aizen's side.<em>

Honestly, it hadn't been that hard to convince Kenpachi to play along with the act. The man fully supported Ichigo's and Renji's little escapades, and was more than willing to help. Besides, Ichigo had promised that the eleventh squad captain could fight him for a bit it he agreed to assist. A winning sell there.

…

Yamamoto was drinking tea with his vice-captain when he heard the cackles. He sighed. Not this again. He poked his head outside his window, fully expecting to see either the vice-captain of the sixth squad or the substitute shinigami from Karakura doing something incredibly irritating and stupid. But the soutaicho was completely surprised by the sight outside.

Kenpachi Zaraki stood on top of Soukyoku Hill. He had discarded his usual shihakushou and haori for the white hakama and jacket of an arrancar. He stood, laughing maniacally, arms outstretched, head thrown back. At his feet lay the defeated forms of two shinigami, both appearing to be dead. "Come and fight me!" he yelled to the heavens, rocking some nearby buildings with the force of his reiatsu.

Yamamoto could only stare. Zaraki…why? This couldn't be happening. Zaraki was the captain with the greatest reiatsu and most brute force. Even if he couldn't even access his shikai or use kidou to save his life, the amount of spiritual pressure the man exuded unconsciously was enough to take out a low level shinigami, and his skill with a sword was not to be underestimated. Such a powerful fighter turning traitor was a devastating blow to the Gotei 13, not to mention an extreme disgrace. And who were the two he had already killed? The old man squinted hard. It was…Abarai and Kurosaki? That couldn't be good. Both were strong fighters, and were very important in the upcoming war. The boy, after all, was their only hope against Aizen's shikai. He couldn't be dead, not now…but wait.

The old man nearly facepalmed. Why didn't he realize it at first? It was Abarai and Kurosaki, for the love of Menos. Another stupid practical joke. He reminded himself to punish all three of them later, then went back to his tea.

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><p>As I wrote this, I realized the timing on many of these chapters is terribly uncanon. In other words, when the heck did Ichigo go to Soul Society during the ArrancarHueco Mundo arcs? Never. But shh. Pretend my little time problems here don't exist, k?

And, because I am a shameless author, and I feel its not getting enough love, I encourage you to go read my other current Bleach fanfic, _The Beast Within._ Heh.

Now, review!

PS I nearly died when I opened my email the other day and I had nearly forty emails from fanfic. I love you guys so much for that.


	10. Beard Shampoo

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

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**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

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><p><em>9. Put pink dye in his beard-shampoo.<em>

As a matter of fact, Ichigo and Renji had recently become quite skilled at sneaking in and out of Yamamoto's office. So, of course, it was no hard task to sneak into his bathroom, make a few changes to his hygiene supplies, and sneak back out without catching anyone's attention. Too easy.

…

The old man groaned as he shuffled back to his office. Today had been long and grueling. Not only was he tense from anticipation of another Renji-Ichigo-Surprise-Attack, but Ikkaku, taking after his dear captain, had challenged the entire seventh squad to a simultaneous duel, Unohana had complained that Hanatarou had gotten lost in the sewers again and was nowhere to be found, and Yachiru had eaten thirteen hell butterflies (one from each squad, she claimed) and barfed in Byakuya's koi pond, leaving both the captains of the eleventh and sixth squads very, very angry. _By the Soul King_, he thought, _running Seireitei was getting annoying_. He needed a good, long, hot, shower to relieve his stress.

…

Yamamoto strolled out of his office, feeling much relieved. A whole hour had been spent in the bathroom, and now he was feeling fresh and ready to face the day once more. And what better way than to start than with a captain's meeting?

As the old man walked down the street, he felt someone's gaze trained upon him. Cracking open a usually closed eye, he spotted a young boy, most likely from the fourth division, staring at him curiously. He turned the glance into a glare, and then frightened boy scurried off. What in Soul Society had the boy been doing? Honestly, he wasn't that impressive. Well, maybe a bit.

As he continued on his path, he noticed that a very odd number of people continuously shot glances his way. As he passed vice-captain Matsumoto, she giggled and turned away. Yamamoto was confused. Was there something in his teeth, perhaps?

The soutaicho reached the meeting room of the captains of the Gotei 13. Still peeved from the perpetual peeking he had received, he strode to his usual position at the head of the room. The nine other captains followed in behind him. As the door swung closed, Kyouraku wolf-whistled, and Zaraki stifled a chuckle. Yamamoto glared. He still wasn't happy with the eleventh captain from the pretended arrancar incident. And what was so funny anyway?

"Yama-jii," Ukitake said, blushing a bit. He coughed, then continued. "I quite like what you've done with your beard."

_My beard? What?_ The soutaicho glanced down, and for the first time that day, he realized his beard was as pink as Kusajishi-fukutaicho's hair. The old man let out a howl louder than a hollow's and stormed out of the room.

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><p>Well, actually, being a girl, I have absolutely no idea whether or not guys wash their beards, and therefore need beard-shampoo. Though, with a beard as magnificent as Yama-jii's, you'd expect he'd have some pride and wash it. If someone of the bearded male (or female, I suppose) population would kindly tell me whether or not you guys wash your beards, that would be much appreciated. Thank you kindly. (:<p>

Anyways, you're welcome for updating within a few hours of my last post. It's currently spring break and I'm bored out of my mind, so this will probably happen often this week. Review away, mortals.


	11. That Is NOT What 69 Means

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

Thanks to LAWLS117 and austmadman for informing me that you do, in fact, use shampoo on beards. (: Though maaka oro explained that there is no special beard-shampoo. Just shampoo is good. Oh darn. Maybe I'll start a line of beard-shampoos just for you guys.

Also, a quick note about this chapter. A lot of reviewers have said they want to see Hisagi in here somewhere. As I, too, am a humongous Hisagi fan, I present you with Chapter Ten…

* * *

><p><em>10. Bother Hisagi about his tattoo.<em>

Ichigo sighed with relief when he read their next assignment. Not only did it finally give them a break from pissing off Yamamoto (they had become a bit scared for their lives after the beard-shampoo incident), but it gave him a good chance to ask the questions that had been bugging him ever since his first visit to Soul Society.

…

"So, Shuuhei," Renji began. The three of them were sitting under a tree in the ninth division, eating lunch. The vice-captain of the ninth squad figured that because this was Renji and Ichigo, he was probably going to be enlisted to help with some new scheme. Boy, was he wrong.

The black-haired man turned his head to face Renji. "Yeah?"

"We've been wondering…"

_Here it comes_, Hisagi thought.

"…What's with the tattoo?"

_What?_ "Well, it's, um…" Hisagi stuttered, a bit surprised. "It's to remind me of a man who was very important to me."

Ichigo snickered. "Let me get this straight. You got a tattoo on your _face_, that says _69_, in order to remind you of a _man _who was '_special_' to you?"

Hisagi nodded. "Yes." _What's so funny about that? Kensei saved my life._

Ichigo and Renji howled with laughter.

"Shuuhei," Renji said between gasps for air, "do you…even REALIZE…what 69…means?"

Hisagi looked confused. "The six is for the last name of the man, and the nine represents the ninth division. It's a simple as that."

Hisagi didn't know it was possible for the two sitting beside him to laugh any harder, but they managed it.

"H-hisagi," Ichigo choked. "That is NOT what 69 means." The ginger leaned over and whispered something in Hisagi's ear. The man turned bright red and stood up very quickly.

"I-I'll see you guys later. I, um, have to go," Hisagi sputtered, then headed off in the direction of the nearest tattoo-removal parlor.

* * *

><p>Mwahaha. Honestly, though, just WHAT was Kubo thinking there?<p>

Review away, my loves. Let's aim for 100 this time, ne?


	12. Mission Impossible

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N:** Alright. I don't usually answer reviews, but I think in a few cases I need to make an exception, for the sake of knowledge.

**vampire13princess**: As to your inquiry about whether this was, in fact, the true origin's of Hisagi's tattoo: I don't know how far into Bleach you've gone, but if you haven't gotten to the Turn Back the Pendulum arc, disregard both that last chapter and the rest of the little comment, for spoiler-tastic reasons. If you have, just remember that Kensei used to have the same tattoo on his abdomen, and that he once saved Shuuhei's life before the latter became a shinigami. Shuuhei got the tattoo in honor of him.

**Jiyle**: As to your inquiry about the meaning of the number 69: If you don't know what it means, you probably don't want to. If you really must, though, google it; I'm not explaining it here. This is a K-rated fic, after all, and it's not exactly a subject you talk to your grandma about. Unless you're _really _tight with said grandma.

Anyways, I love you guys so much for getting this up to over a hundred reviews. It really does mean a lot to me. Anyway, that was a rather long intro, so let's get on with the story, ne?

Oh wait. No, we're still not getting to the story yet; I have another important announcement. Ahem. This would be yet another story where listening to a certain song looped is a great idea. You'll see…

* * *

><p><em>11. Sneak around Seireitei, humming the Mission Impossible theme song and using your fingers as guns.<em>

Ichigo snorted as he read off the next item on the list. Americans…

Nonetheless, Ichigo quite enjoyed the eleventh item of the List.

…

_Doo doo doo doo DOO, doo doo doo doo doo…_Renji and Ichigo crept along a wall, backs pressed to the stone, hands held together as fake guns. They had both discarded their shihakushou for a more typical secret-agent style black tuxedo, and both had dark sunglasses covering their eyes. It was late at night, but what better time for a secret mission?

The soft tapping of someone's waraji against the stone pavement alerted the two secret agents to the approach of an unknown subject. Renji shot a look at Ichigo. "Alpha Code seven-four-nine?"

Ichigo nodded. "Affirmative."

Renji did a back flip, landing in a perfect crouch in the center of the street with his finger gun held straight at the spot he knew the intruder would be coming in by. Ichigo did two cartwheels and a double handspring, alighting effortlessly on the rooftop. The moonlight set his hair afire, yet left the rest of his form a shadowed silhouette. He, too, held out his finger gun. Both men waited breathlessly for the impending entrance of a new player, each humming the spy music softly to himself.

Momo Hinamori lightly stepped around the corner, heading back towards the fifth squad's quarters. Ichigo leapt from the roof, performing to mid-air flips as he tumbled down the ground, and came up behind her, finger-gun at the ready.

"Freeze!" the two gingers screamed. Momo jumped, one had flying to her zanpakuto. Her eyes darted at the two men surrounding her, then relaxed as she realized who they were.

"Um…Abarai-kun, Kurosaki-kun…what are you doing?"

Renji and Ichigo gave loud, exaggerated gasps. Ichigo staggered back, one hand at his heart as if he were afraid of cardiac arrest.

"You will not address us by those names, civilian!" Renji growled, poking his finger-gun at his friend's face. "I am Agent Double-O-Pineapple, and that man over there is Agent Strawberry."

Momo looked very confused. "Um, ok…Agent Double-O-Pineapple. But what exactly are you doing?"

Ichigo leaned in close. "We have a plan. Listen carefully, but don't say a word. From now on, you will be known as Agent Squeaky…"

…

Seven suit-and-sunglasses-clad figures stole through Seireitei, heading towards the first squad's territory. By now, the humming had become rather loud, but because it was important for all secret agents to contribute to the theme song, so it was a bit of a necessary evil. Agents Double-O-Pineapple and Strawberry lead the pack, following by Agents Squeaky, Kitty, Feathers, Midget, and Jiggles. On any other day they would be called by different names, but tonight, they were spies, and were to be addressed by appropriate spy handles.

The seven crept along the rooftops, stopping ever so often for acrobatic displays of flips and wall-climbs that didn't contribute in any way to the speed of their journey, but looked cool anyway. As they neared the office of the soutaicho, Agent Strawberry brought up a hand, signaling to his fellow agents to stop. Using complicated hand gestures that involved quite a bit of grunting, pointing, and frustration, he explained the second half of the plan. The group members nodded their understanding, the split off. Agents Jiggles and Midget would come in from the west, Feathers and Squeaky from the east, and Strawberry, Kitty, and Double-O-Pineapple from due north.

…

Yamamoto was having a rather pleasant dream about reconstructing the Soukyoku and using it on Renji and Ichigo when his room was suddenly invaded by seven figures wearing…tuxedos and sunglasses? The old man sat up quickly, confused. Were there humans in Seireitei?

"Freeze, Yamamoto-soutaicho! We have you surrounded!" yelled the orange-haired man in front. He didn't have a zanpakuto anywhere that Yamamoto could see, but he held his hands out in front of him, last three fingers folded together, index fingers straight out, and thumbs up. Was this some form of kidou stance he had never seen before? Impossible! As soutaicho, he knew all there was to know about kidou. Then, as the sleepy haze cleared from the old man's mind, he realized what was going on.

The seven standing in front of him were Hinamori-fukutaicho, Yoruichi Shihoen, Yumichika Asayagawa, Rukia Kuchiki, and Matsumoto-fukutaicho, as well as, of course, Abarai-fukutaicho and Ichigo Kurosaki. Abarai and Matsumoto were still humming a catchy little spy song.

Wait, a spy song? Oh, Kami, this meant…they all thought they were secret agents, didn't they? But this little prank might be a little fun, actually.

The old man smirked and said knowingly, "Agent Strawberry, stand down. I am Agent-Commander Wrinkles, and you have passed the test." He winked at Momo, who blushed a bit.

Ichigo and Renji were dumbfounded, but even this little setback wouldn't deter them. Renji grinned, and reached into a pocket concealed within his jacket, withdrawing a fresh suit and pair of sunglasses. "Let's go, then, Oh mighty Agent-Commander Wrinkles."

…

Ten minutes later, eight figures leapt out of the window, dressed in suits and sunglasses and humming the Mission Impossible theme song. Agent-Commander Wrinkles lead them all.

* * *

><p>Teehee. I couldn't resist. This, by the way, is currently my favorite chapter in this story so far. Do tell me what you think.<p>

Review, or Agent Double-O-Pineapple will come after you.


	13. Retpahc 21

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

* * *

><p><em>12. Tell him it's "Backwards Day."<em>

Yamamoto was not happy. The events of the night before had been a stupid mistake on his part. For Aizen's sake, Ichigo, Renji, and Company had him running around Seireitei in that ridiculous secret agent costume for _hours_. Not to mention they insisted on calling him "Wrinkly Agent Commander." He shuddered. Never again would he submit to one of their stupid pranks.

A knock came from the door. "Come in," Yamamoto called wearily.

The grinning faces of Renji and Ichigo peered around the heavy door. The two pranced into his office, smiling.

Yamamoto was not nearly as cheerful. "What do you two want _now_?" he grouched.

"Doog gninrom, ohciatuos!" they sang out.

Wait, _what?_ Yamamoto rubbed at his ears. He must have heard wrong or something.

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

"Doog gninrom, ohciatuos!"

Yamamoto gave a blank stare. What in Soul Society were they saying?

"Yad sdrawkcab yppah!" they called cheerily. Then the ginger pair walked arm-in-arm backwards out the door, still waving and grinning. Yamamoto noticed for the first time that their shihakushou were worn the wrong way around.

Yamamoto groaned and out his head in his hands. He would never understand those two.

* * *

><p>Heehee. Poor, poor Yama-jii.<p>

Weiver, esaelp!


	14. When Ryoka Attack

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

I'd also like to say that I really, _really_, wanted to call this chapter, "I'll Get You, Ryoka, and Your Zanpakuto, Too." Unfortunately, it was too long of a title, and FF wouldn't allow it. Curses.

* * *

><p><em>13. Have Renji chase Ichigo through the streets of Seireitei, yelling, "I'll get you, ryoka!"<em>

Ichigo ran through the streets, his heart pounding in his chest. He slid to a halt behind a corner, looking around for any signs of possible danger. It had been bad enough to be pursued all over Seireitei when he had snuck in to rescue Rukia, but now, months later, it was worse because it was his _friends_ doing the chasing.

"Ryoka!" Renji's voice screamed. "Get back here!"

Ichigo tore down a new road. To any onlookers, it appeared as if the red-headed man had lost his memories, maybe a repeat of a certain incident involving two kids from Rukongai, Rukia Kuchiki, and a very nasty hollow. Or perhaps, the bystander would think, this is some sort of awkward time-traveling confrontation between the two. Either way, the truth was about to become apparent, as Renji had managed to blow through a wall and tackle his ginger-haired friend.

"RYOKA!" he howled. "I've got you at last! Come quietly or I'll fight you to the death!"

"Renji," came the muffled reply. "You're squishing me. And besides, Yama-jii isn't here, idiot."

Renji sat up, revealing a rather miffed Ichigo. "Oh. Sorry, Ichigo. Still, practice makes perfect."

…

Yamamoto was sitting peacefully in his office. Despite the odd encounter with his two least favorite shinigami the previous day, he felt as if today might go well. It was far into the afternoon, and still there had been no disturbances. Feeling serene, he yawned, stretched and padded out of his office for a good cup of tea.

Suddenly, the loud _crack, crack!_ of wood smacking wood could be heard echoing throughout Seireitei. The alarm, signaling a major disruption within the shinigami fortress. Another ryoka? Though, what could be worse than Ichigo Kurosaki and friends, Yamamoto didn't know, but an alarm was troubling nonetheless.

Then, to make matters worse, Abarai-fukutaicho burst through the door.

"Yamamoto-soutaicho! There is a ryoka loose in Seireitei!"

"A ryoka? Has anyone recognized its reiatsu?"

"No, sir!"

Yamamoto wrinkled his brow. "Very well. I hereby put the sixth squad in charge of capturing the ryoka. Bring him in for questioning."

"Yes, sir!" Renji bowed and ran from the room.

…

Not half an hour later, a stressed Ichigo burst through Yamamoto's window, looking rather hassled. He landed hard in the center of the room, turning around and pulling out his zanpakuto in one movement.

"Kurosaki, what do you think you are-" Yamamoto started, but was cut off as Renji jumped in through the same window.

"I have you now, ryoka boy!" the red-haired vice captain shouted. He drew his zanpakuto and with a cry of, "Howl!" attacked Ichigo.

Yamamoto sweatdropped. What were the hooligans doing now?

Ichigo parried Renji's clumsy attack and kicked his opponent's shin. "Never!" he cried melodramatically. "I will rescue Rukia, and nothing you can do will stop me!"

He thrust his sword at Renji, and the latter let it slide between his arm and torso. Wailing, he fell to the ground, the giant sword still squeezed between limb and chest. "You have slain me!" he screamed, the collapsed, eyes closed and mouth lolling open.

Ichigo drew his sword from the "body", and wiped it clean on Yamamoto's floor. The old man reminded himself to have the substitute pay for a carpet cleaning, among other things. He was pulled out of his thoughts by Ichigo screeching, "I'm coming, Rukia!" and jumping out the window once more.

Renji looked up from the floor, his eyes filled with shame. "I-I'm sorry, soutaicho. I have…failed…you." He closed his eyes once more, and 'died' on the soutaicho's floor.

Yamamoto was not amused. He rolled his eyes, and barked, "Get off my floor, Abarai-fukutaicho."

Renji didn't move a muscle.

Yamamoto tried again. "Get up!"

Not even a twitch.

The old man sighed. This was going to be very hard to explain if anyone important walked in.

* * *

><p>I quite like this one, actually. Now review, or Renji will come 'die' on your floor, too.<p> 


	15. Theme Songs, Part One

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read _52 Ways to Annoy Vlad_. It's fantastic. (:

**Warning**: Ahead lies extreme (in other words, more than usual) OOC-ness, as well as four-year old behavior from gown men. (:

* * *

><p><em>14. Ask him why he doesn't have a cool theme song like Ichigo's.<em>

Yamamoto was asleep. Ichigo could tell by the large accumulation of drool sliding down his wrinkled face. More importantly, though, the room was empty and unguarded.

"Is it a good time to ask him yet?" Renji hissed in his ear. The strawberry boy held the only pair of binoculars the pair could find, and as a result, his pineapple friend had to result to asking for updates every few seconds. For the last two hours, Ichigo's repeated answer had been a firm, "No."

Now, however, he turned to Renji, a rather evil gleam in his chocolate-brown eyes, and smirked, "Oh yes."

…

"Yama-jii," Ichigo whispered, poking the old man in the ribs.

"Sir?" Renji asked, a little louder.

"Yamamoooooto…"

Renji banged a fist on the desk. The soutaicho didn't twitch.

Ichigo yelled, "YAMA-JII!"

Still no response.

Renji climbed carefully on the desk, the hopped up and down, slamming his feet into the wood. "Yamamoto! Yamamoto! Yamamoto!"

Ichigo frowned. Why was it this hard to wake up a normally very alert old man? He stuck one finger in his mouth, coating it with saliva, then rammed it into Yamamoto's ear.

"YAGHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Good morning, Yama-jii!" Ichigo called cheerfully.

"It's still afternoon, substitute."

"Oh is it?" Renji asked from his perch on the old man's desk. "Wow. We need to get a new clock, right, Ichigo?"

"Get off my desk, Abarai," the soutaicho growled.

"Aw, Yama-jii, we just had a few questions," Ichigo whined.

_Oh god, kill me now._ "What do you want?" _Please make it quick, please make it quick…_

"Why don't you have a cool theme song like Ichigo's?"

Yamamoto stared at the two grinning shinigami.

"Get out of my goddamn office," he sighed tiredly.

_To be continued…_

* * *

><p>Yes, that's right, this one and the next one go together. But I'm not posting it yet, oh no. You'll have to <em>beg<em> for it. Mwahaha.


	16. Theme Songs, Part Two

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (: And this time, I can also say I don't own Mary, her little lamb, a row boat, or any songs containing these things.

* * *

><p><em>15. Make him a theme song, and sing it every time he does something.<em>

"Oh, no," Ichigo grinned rather devilishly. "We have something special for you."

"I don't want it," Yamamoto groaned.

"You see," Renji said brightly, jumping off the desk, "we noticed your distinct lack of a theme song. As you _are_ the soutaicho, we thought it might be nice for you to have one."

"Don't bother, I don't need one."

"Aw, but Yama-jii," Ichigo whined, poking the old man in the ribs again, "we wrote it for you already."

_Oh god._

Renji and Ichigo scampered to the open space in front of Yamamoto's desk, joined hands, and began to sing, rather loudly and off-key, to the tune of _Mary Had a Little Lamb._

"_Yama-jii is very old,_

_Very old, very old!_

_Yama-jii is very old,_

_With a beard as white as snow!"_

The two took deep, dramatic breaths and continued on to the next verse. It was all Yamamoto could do to keep from clapping his hands over his ears and screaming.

"_And every time that Yama fights,_

_Yama fights, Yama fights,_

_Every time that Yama fights,_

_His bare chest has to show!"_

The grinning gingers took a deep bow. "We really think it captures your sense of self," Ichigo boasted proudly.

"And that's not all," Renji grinned. "We made you _two_, in case you don't like one!"

"How could I not like your songs?" Yamamoto said sarcastically.

They started up again, this time to the tune of _Row, Row, Row Your Boat_.

"_Ya-Ya-Yama-jii,_

_Yama, Yama-jii!_

_He's really wrinkly; but not hairy,_

_But he's still scary!"_

Yamamoto stared at the two grinning imbeciles standing before him. "That was…_lovely_," he deadpanned.

The tips of Ichigo's smile hit the corner of his face and beyond. "Good. 'Cause we'll be singing them at all the captains' meetings, and appointments with the Council of 46, and whenever you make an entrance into any building."

Renji piped up too. "Don't forget when he fights, or when he's going to sleep, or…"

The list was very long.

Yamamoto wondered if maybe retirement was a good option.

* * *

><p>Yama-jii does love to be sung to sleep, I guess.<p>

Review and maybe you'll wake up to the sweet voices of our lovely singers singing your very own theme song, ne?


	17. I Want Candy

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_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (: And this time, I can also say I don't own Mary, her little lamb, a row boat, or any songs containing these things.

K. So, I need to say that I am so so SO very sorry for not updating this for the past couple days. Don't kill me. It was Easter, and then I had to take these stupid standardized state tests that every poor Californian high school student [and middle school, and even the poor elementary kids] must take. And, being the overacheiver that I am, I actually sat down and studied. Sue me. So, this is very, VERY late, and I apologize, and I'll try to update again tonight.

* * *

><p><em>16. Send Hitsugaya large bags of candy under Yamamoto's name.<em>

Ichigo and Renji shoved a last oversize bag into the little captain's office, then leaned heavily on the door to get it to close. The room was completely full of candy bags, and the two ginger shinigami could only hope that Toushiro would be the first into his office that morning, not his excitable vice-captain.

…

Yamamoto had had Kurotsuchi tinker with the door to his office so that only those with a special key could enter his office. He had a given a key to each captain, and figured the rest, namely Ichigo and Renji, would stay out. Peace and quiet.

However, the peace wasn't meant to last. As Yamamoto settled back in is chair, he heard a screaming voice calling his name.

"YAMAMOTOOO!"

The old man winced, recognizing the voice. Normally the tenth squad captain only used that tone with his vice-captain, and he wasn't pleased about being on the receiving end of the child prodigy's lectures.

The door flew open to reveal an angry Hitsugaya, waving around a strange plastic-wrap-covered basket, his face redder than the obnoxious bow tied to the front. Behind him was an equally angry Ukitake.

"JUST _WHAT_ IS THE MEANING OF THIS, SOUTAICHO?" The little captain's voice cracked slightly as he ranted.

"Hitsugaya-taicho, I suggest that you explain what is that matter."

A vein popped in Hitsugaya's forehead. He threw the basket violently on the desk. From it spilled a river of candy and sweets. "I refuse to be degraded like this, Yamamoto-soutaicho." He stormed out of the room, leaving the space behind him almost twenty degrees colder than it had been before.

Yamamoto picked up the basket and noticed a small card hanging off one side. Flipping it over, he read the messily scrawled words. _To Shiro-chan; love from Yama-jii. _The old man sighed. This was _not_ his handwriting.

Looking up over the spilled candy threatening to collapse his desk, he noticed a still pissed-off Ukitake standing in the doorway.

"And what do you want"

The white haired captain stalked up to the desk and the soutaicho over the head with the basket. For a frail, sickly man he sure could hit hard. "Giving Shiro-chan candy is _my_ job, Yama-jii."

* * *

><p>Heehee. Killing [or at least pissing off] three birds with one candy basket. Good job, Ichi and Renji.<p>

Review if you love candy, Hitsugaya, or ME! heehe.


	18. Yoruichi Can Haz Cheezburger?

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

* * *

><p><em>17. Fill the second division with black cats.<em>

The mewing of cats filled the still night in Seireitei as Ichigo and Renji flash-stepped out of the second division, smug smiles still etched upon their faces. Yoruichi had helped them with this one; the werecat was all too willing to piss off Yamamoto, and if the theme of the prank was centered on her, well, let's just say that the ex-captain did not mind the ego boost. She had talked to the town cats of Karakura, both living and dead, and convinced quite a few to take a quick field trip to Soul Society…

…

Yamamoto woke to the sound of cats and loud squealing. He sighed and, in a rather practiced routine, hobbled to the window to see what mischief had been caused in his fortress this time. Looking outside, he saw a dark mass of black swarming in the second division's territory.

_Here we go again_, the old man thought.

The soutaicho followed the sound of cooing to find the second squad captain. Soi Fon was curled in a corner, surrounded by six black cats. She held one cradled in her arms, rocking it slowly while crooning, "Yoruichi-sama," in its ear. As Yamamoto watched, she put the cat down, picked up a new one, and began petting and singing in its ear as well.

"Soi Fon," the old man said, a bit unnerved by his usually composed captain's carefree demeanor. "That is not Shihouen. Put the cat down and go home."

The petite captain glared. She was angry at having her 'Yoruichi time' interrupted, and for such trivial accusations! Pah! "You're lying. You can't separate me from Yoruichi-sama. She is perfect, and our love is eternal." She resumed petting a third cat. "Isn't that right, Yoruichi-sama?"

The cat mewed.

"See?" Soi Fon snapped. "Now go away. I don't get nearly enough time alone with Yoruichi-sama."

Yamamoto sighed. "Soi Fon, I give you my word that Yoruichi Shihouen is currently in the World of the Living, and that none of these cats are her."

"No!" Soi Fon insisted, crossing her arms over her chest and sticking out her tongue childishly. "You're trying to keep my away from my Yoruichi-sama! I won't have it!" She pulled out her zanpakuto. Waving it in the air clumsily, she cried out, "Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi!"

For the first time, Yamamoto realized the woman might be a little punch-drunk. Flying at the old man, she began to thrust an arm forward to inflict her superior with the first of her two-shot killing blows when suddenly, Yoruichi stepped out of the shadows, accompanied by Ichigo and Renji.

"Hey there, Soi Fon!" the werecat cried cheerily.

The cats swarmed around Yoruichi, meowing. Yamamoto was half surprised Soi Fon didn't join them. Even so, the petite captain blushed and fell to her knees, with a mumbled, "Yoruichi-sama."

The werecat abandoned her human form, opting to become a cat, and butted her head against the kneeling woman's leg before running off into the third division.

"Y-Youruichi-sama!" Soi Fon cried. Forgetting the three other people by her side, she ran after the small black cat. "Wait for me~!"

Yamamoto glared at the two grinning ginger shinigami. "She'll be like that for the next week, and it's all your fault."

Ichigo gave a cheeky salute, while Renji smirked, "Just doing our job, soutaicho!"

* * *

><p>Review, or Soi Fon will kidnap your kitties!<p> 


	19. Bothering Yamamoto

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (: Also, I don't own Potter Puppet Pals. Darn you Neil Cicierega!

By the way, this is quite possibly my favorite since "Mission Impossible." But maybe that's just me. (:

* * *

><p><em>18. Bother him…Potter Puppet Pals style.<em>

"Um...Ichigo?" Renji asked, perplexed. "What is a '_Potter Puppet Pals_?' Is it a human thing?"

"I dunno," Ichigo shrugged. "Some aspect of American culture, I guess."

The pair spent the next few hours holed up in Ichigo's room in the Living World, watching Potter Puppet Pals in English, not understanding a thing, but somehow enjoying in nonetheless.

…

Yamamoto walked out of his office, feeling happier than he had in a long time. Renji and Ichigo had gone off to do 'important business' in the World of the Living. The old man was unsure of the exact details of this business, but as long as the two were not in Seireitei for a while, he didn't care. In fact, because of their absence, he had had a rather relaxing day. No singing, no cats, and no persistent badgering to become "Agent-Commander Wrinkles" one more. Just tea and captains' meetings in which he got to rip his shirt off for the sake of justice. Or so he told people. Really, he just wanted to impress Retsu.

_Now,_ he thought, _maybe I could grab some fried rice and head back to my office for a nap; after all, nothing is going to happen today…_

Famous last words.

Ichigo and Renji came bursting through a wall and rammed fully-body into Yamamoto, screaming "Bother!" at the tops of their lungs. Yamamoto flailed a bit before losing his balance and falling over. The two ginger shinigami continued to jump on the soutaicho, still yelling "Bother, bother, bother!" like banshees.

Then, as quickly as it had begun, they were gone. Yamamoto picked himself off the ground.

_Holy hakama, what _was _that? _

The old man brushed himself off and headed for his office, determined to get some tea and calm down. Halfway to the building, he noticed to pretty young ladies, one with flowing red hair and the other with a veil covering her head. They both wore large hats that covered their faces as well as their standard shihakushou.

"Why, hello, ladies," Yamamoto said slyly. Maybe Retsu didn't notice when he took his shirt off, but two young, impressionable women might find him impressive.

The girls giggled and simultaneously whipped flowered fans in front of their eyes.

"Don't be shy," Yamamoto said, still grinning.

Then, much to his surprise, the two 'girls' tore off their hats, revealing themselves to be none other than Renji and Ichigo, and began to once again bump violently into the Soutaicho, screaming "Bother! Bother! _Bother!_"

Yamamoto vowed to never again flirt with anyone if he couldn't see their face, and fled the scene.

* * *

><p><em>...<em>

Gin: Hm...what is that mysterious ticking noice? Hm, kinda catchy...Gin, Gin. Ichimaru Gin. Gin, Gin. Ichimaru Gin.

Ichi: Ichigo!

Gin: Gin, Gin. Ichimaru Gin.

Yachiru: Ken...ken...Kenpachi!

Gin: Gin, Gin. Ichimaru Gin.

Ichi: Ichigo!

Toushiro: Hitsugaya! Hitsugaya! Yeah! Hitsugaya! Hitsugaya!

Everybody: Singing a song, all day long in SOOULLLLL SOCIETYYYYY...

Grimmjow: I know the source of the myterious ticking noise...hehe...

Everybody: #stares

...

Bother! Bother! Bother! Heehee...if you want Ichigo and Renji to come bother you, you might wanna review. (: Winkwink.


	20. Heyy, Babe!

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

Oh, and because this fic in general is rated K or something, I suppose I have an obligation to inform my dear readers that Renji has a potty-mouth moment. I don't think you guys will care, but still, don't kill me.

* * *

><p><em>19. Pretend to be very, very gay. <em>

"What's the new task?" Renji asked, peering over Ichigo's shoulder at the paper clutched in his friend's hand.

Ichigo snorted. "Let's just say it shouldn't be a hard one for you." He tossed the paper at Renji.

The face of the vice-captain of the sixth squad was a brighter red than his hair. "I. Am. _So_. Not." He glared again. "Asshole."

…

Yamamoto had now taken to sending out Sasakibe whenever he needed something from outside his office. He was a bit scarred after the little 'bothering' incident, and preferred not to have to face the two troublesome shinigami again.

He was reclining in his office chair, taking a break from paperwork, when the window burst inwards, showering the soutaicho with glass and landing a certain orange-haired shinigami on the floor next to his desk. Renji followed closely behind him.

"Kurosaki," Yamamoto growled, "you are paying for my broken window." He took a sip of tea and gave his best death glare.

"Yama-chan~" Ichigo whined, sitting up. "You wouldn't really make me pay, would you?"

Yamamoto did a prize-worthy spit take. "_What_ did you just call me?"

Suddenly his lap was full of Renji, who was curled up with his chin on his knees. "Come, on, Yama-chan, you don't mind the name, right?"

Ichigo stood up, flounced over, and began to walk two fingers down the old man's chest. "Yeah, Yama-chan! You love us!" His other hand was playing with the old man's beard.

Yamamoto sputtered and pushed Renji off his lap and onto the floor, then swatted Ichigo away. "What on_ earth_ do you think you are _doing_?"

"You didn't know, Yama-chan?" Renji purred, still on the floor. He flipped over onto his stomach, elbows on the floor, chin cradled in his hands, and feet waving in the air distractedly.

"We_ like_ it when you rip your shirt off in battle," Ichigo clarified. He leaned on the desk and stared at the soutaicho intently.

"Isn't that the reason you do it, anyway?" Renji asked. "'Cause it makes us happy?"

"Wha-No..You-What?…No!" Yamamoto stuttered. "Get out of my office!"

"Yama-chaaaan~" Ichigo whined again.

"For the love of Aizen, get out now!"

"You sure?" Renji pleaded.

"Positive." Yamamoto gave them the evil eye.

"Maybe we'll just come back later," Ichigo grinned, slinking out the door. "After all, we're irresistible, right, Renji?"

"If you come back, it better be to fix my window!"

The pair's echoing laughter could still be heard after the door slammed shut.

* * *

><p>Heehee. Mentally scarring Yama-jii is one of my favorite activites. Reviews for our dear gay Ichi and Renji?<p> 


	21. A New Soutaicho: Crowning

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

I do so pity Yama-jii this time. Seriously. #_evillaugh_

* * *

><p><em>20. Tell him Byakuya bought Seireitei and made Rukia the new soutaicho.<em>

Ichigo grinned a bit. They had approached Rukia quite carefully on this one, but she took to the task with relish. A bit too much relish, actually. She had begged and pleaded with Byakuya until he gave in and gave the plot what she called a more 'authentic' feel. In other words, Seireitei was now privately owned by the Kuchiki family.

Ichigo's smile threatened to split his face in two. This was, by far the most ingenious of the plots so far.

…

Yamamoto awoke to the sounds of scurrying feet, scraping furniture, and the buzz of busy conversation. Opening his eyes, he found that his room had once more been invaded, although this time it seemed that half of Seireitei had joined in on the fun. The space was filled with shinigami, many who carried paintbrushes, measuring sticks, pencils, hammers, nails, and various other assorted tools.

"What in the Soul King's name is going on here?" the old man cried. He reached out and grabbed the shoulder of a passing seventh-seat, spinning her around roughly and shoving his rather angry face at hers. "I demand answers!"

The girl tittered a bit and wormed out of his grasp. "You see, Yamamoto, we're-"

Yamamoto glared. Not for the first time, his title had been forgotten. "That's not how you address me, girl."

The girl gave another nervous chuckle and looked at him apologetically. "Well, see, that's the thing. Kuchiki-taicho bought Seireitei last night, and made his sister the new soutaicho. You're not in charge anymore, it's all up to Kuchiki-soutaicho. We're just here to redecorate the first division office to her tastes before she moves in." As she spoke, two young men spray painted a Chappy stencil on the wall in bright pink.

_They WHAT?_

At that moment, the 'soutaicho' made her entrance, carried on a covered palanquin by six shirtless shinigami men and flanked by Ichigo and Renji, both wearing white a white captain's haori.

"Bow down for the great Kuchiki-soutaicho!" Renji's deep voice boomed out, and every one of the workers fell on their faces in deep bows. Ichigo sidled up behind Yamamoto, and poked him.

"That means you, too, Yama-jii. We might let it go this once, but only 'cause you're senile."

Rukia then made her entrance from the palanquin. She, too, wore a haori, but it had been dyed a loud pink and adorned with Chappy stickers. She also wore an oversize gold crown that slipped slightly over her diminutive forehead. "I am the soutaicho!" she roared, waving Sode no Shirayuki in the air haphazardly. "Fear me!"

She painted the room with a fierce sapphire stare, eyes boring into the cowering backs of her new subjects, then added as an afterthought, "And bring me more Chappy stuff."

* * *

><p>To be continued...most likely.<p>

Have'ta review to find out, won'tcha?


	22. A New Soutaicho: Reformation

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N:** Alright, so this chapter...it is weird. No new Way, but it's a bit of a continuation of the previous chapter, because I couldn't resist. Thanks so much to **MJLCoyoteStarrk**, because your lovely review gave me the idea for this chapter. #cybercookie

* * *

><p><em>Previously, on Fifty Ways…<em>

"_Bow down for the great Kuchiki-soutaicho!" Renji's deep voice boomed out, and every one of the workers fell on their faces in deep bows. Ichigo sidled up behind Yamamoto, and poked him. _

"_That means you, too, Yama-jii. We might let it go this once, but only 'cause you're senile."_

_Rukia then made her entrance from the palanquin. "I am the soutaicho!" she roared, waving Sode no Shirayuki in the air haphazardly. "Fear me!"_

_She painted the room with a fierce sapphire stare, eyes boring into the cowering backs of her new subjects, then added as an afterthought, "And bring me more Chappy stuff."_

…

_There is nothing quite like a bunch of powerfully magical dead warriors throwing a parade in honor of an imaginary bunny_, Ichigo thought cheerfully. And what a fantastic day for said parade it was. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, Rukia was the soutaicho, and Yamamoto was wearing a jester hat, complete with jingly bells. The ginger boy leaned back in his cushiony palanquin chair, and grinned across the crowd at Renji. His friend was also in a rather good mood, and the two were quite enjoying watching Rukia show off her new position in the Gotei 13.

The petite raven haired shinigami girl was currently poking Yamamoto repeatedly in the head with an Ambassador Seaweed action figure, and looking quite smug about it. The old man was sitting cross-legged at the base of her giant Chappy throne, an annoyed expression on his face as the residents of Seireitei cheered on the former member of the thirteenth squad.

What better way to annoy the old soutaicho than to set the queen of annoying on him?

…

"And so," Rukia's voice rang out at the captains' meeting, "I'd like to introduce the new thirteen-and-a-half squad. Yamamoto will be the captain on this squad, but only because I feel a little bad about taking his position. Besides, Kuchiki ideals say we should always humor the elderly. So, please welcome the new Thirteen-and-a-Half Squad Captain, Genryuusai Shigekuni Yamamoto!"

She waited for the enthusiastic clapping from Kyouraku and Ukitake to calm down before continuing. "As you know, most squads have a primary function: the fourth's is healing, the eleventh's is fighting, the twelfth's is research, etc. So, I, Rukia Kuchiki, soutaicho and head of the first squad, hereby give the thirteen-and-a-half squad the job of handling all my housework and foot-massages from now on."

Kyouraku and Ukitake cheered again, and even Byakuya smiled slightly.

"Also, I'd like to say that I hate the current symbol of the Gotei Thirteen, and so I'm changing it. Henceforth, Seireitei will charge into battle bearing this new emblem, designed by me." The girl grinned mischievously, then clapped her hands twice above her head. A large banner unrolled from the ceiling, bearing a Rukia-style drawing. "Behold!"

The new symbol consisted of a picture of a Rukia-bunny and nine other captain-bears standing on a background of Chappies. Little hearts and stars dotted the banner.

Yamamoto groaned aloud when he realized the bear depicting him was giving the Rukia-bunny a foot massage.

…

"Kuchiki-soutaicho!" a member of the new thirteen-and-a-half squad called out, bowing low in front of Rukia. "We have received word from the Zero Division that the Soul King will be arriving in Seireitei to oversee your new order here. Shall we put up defenses to protect the lower shinigami and the residents of Rukongai from the force of His reiatsu?"

Rukia looked up from her pink desk in her new office. She had been filing paperwork and construction plans for a new Chappy monument on top of Soukyoku Hill. Yamamoto sat in a tiny chair in one corner, unhappily awaiting his next orders.

The new soutaicho frowned. The Soul King himself? _I suppose it makes sense, seeing as Seireitei is under new leadership now,_ she mused. "Very well," she said aloud. "Begin preparations-"

"_No need_," said a voice from across Rukia's office. "_I have already arranged it._" The voice was rich and warm, and saturated with pure power that made Rukia want to obey its every command. The door began to glow brightly, and the new soutaicho shielded her eyes for a moment before looking back.

As the glare subsided, Rukia stood, facing the single most powerful entity in any known dimension.

"Y-You," Rukia choked, before falling to the floor in an awestruck bow.

"_Oh, yes," _the Soul King said. "_Are you surprised, Rukia?_"

Rukia shook her head numbly.

"_I am well pleased with you, Rukia Kuchiki. You have reconstructed Seireitei in such a beautiful way. I am honored._"

Rukia rose, tears brimming in her eyes as she faced the Soul King. She brushed them hesitantly away, and before she could get a hold on her emotions, found herself flinging her arms around the Soul King. "I love you, Chappy!" she squealed.

The giant rabbit stepped forward into the light, revealing his true form, and hugged the petite girl back.

From the corner, the sound of Yamamoto's awestruck jaw hitting the floor was plainly audible.

* * *

><p>Heehee. All hail Soul King Chappy!<p>

Anyways, before anyone jumps on my case about the "queen of annoying" comment, I will say that I do NOT find Rukia annoying. In fact, I love her to death. However, Ichi-dear does have a habit of calling her so, and hence the remark. Don't shoot me. (:

Anyway, that's it for now. Review if you want Soul King Chappy to be canon!


	23. Ceiling Cookies

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

* * *

><p><em>21. Let Yachiru into his office.<em>

Rukia was pouting. The petite shinigami had quite enjoyed her little stint as soutaicho, as the merrily painted walls of the first division were quite proof of that. However, it is the nature of good things that they do not last, and a mere two days into her…ahem…_delightful _reign, Soul King Chappy had returned to inform her that although her new additions to Soul Society were quite lovely, it was time to relinquish her power back over to Yamamoto. Being such an ardent Chappy fan, Rukia couldn't possibly say no, but it hurt to nonetheless. And so Seireitei was once more under a rigid and precise military control (_Too rigid_, Rukia thought as she white-washed the pink walls of Yamamoto's office).

In light of her impeachment, it came as a surprise to no one that Rukia eagerly offered to help Ichigo and Renji with their next dastardly scheme.

All it took was some well-placed cookies creating a trail leading to the first division.

…

Yachiru, of course, was pleasantly surprised to find a chocolate chip cookie next to her bed when she woke up that fateful morning. If there were three things the tiny girl loved, they were cookies, Kenpachi Zaraki, and cookies. Picking up the cookie, she popped it in her mouth, never mind the dust bunny that clung to it. In her opinion, it added an extra texture that really made the cookie. She reminded herself to ask Ken-chan to put dust bunny in the rest of her cookie stash.

If the pink haired menace had been glad for the first cookie, she was ecstatic to find another outside her door. And another a little further down the hall…

She continued to follow the path the cookies created, stopping only to collect her prizes. They led her out the door, through the streets of Seireitei – _ooh look a butterfly_ – and past the other divisions until she hit the first. The cookie trail continued into the center of Seireitei, and the little girl couldn't care less. _Yama wouldn't hurt me_, she thought. She picked up another cookie. It could have used more dust bunny, in her opinion.

The cookies led her in a straight path until they stopped unexpectedly at a white wall. Yachiru looked about, confused and wanting her cookie, when she realized that the treat had been fastened to the wall only a few feet above her head.

"Yay!" she squealed, and in leaping bounds, followed the vertical cookie trail up a wall and through a window. Ken-chan would be proud she had managed to feed herself this morning.

On the window ledge was a carefully folded packet. Yachiru ripped it open, fully expecting another cookie or two. To her dismay, the packet held only a feebly flapping Hell Butterfly. Once released, it proceeded to deliver her its messege in –was that Pineapple-head's voice?

_Yachiru-chan, if you want the next cookie, you will have to search this room thoroughly for it. Don't worry about making a mess, Yamamoto won't mind._

"Yes!" Yachiru exclaimed. "More cookies! And a scavenger hunt!"

She immediately set to work searching for the cookies.

Were they in the potted plant? The little girl dumped all the dirt on the floor, leafy ferns and all. She spread it all around; one can never know where a cookie might be hiding.

No cookie.

Were they in the desk drawers? Yachiru dumped these out too. Pens and papers and teabags dropped in the dirt.

No cookie.

Were they under the floorboards?

…

Yamamoto was quite relishing returning to his newly cleaned and restored office. After the catastrophe with the Kuchiki siblings, all the old man wanted to do was sit in _his_ chair in _his_ office and drink_ his_ tea while yelling at _his _subordinates. The good life, and all that.

What he did not expect to find when he opened the repaired door was a very dirty Yachiru sitting on a pile of dirt, plants, wood, and wall chippings, munching on a cookie like there was no tomorrow.

"Hiii, Yama-jii!" The girl chirped as she noticed the old man standing in the doorway, dumbstruck. "I found the cookies! They were in the plaster in the ceiling. Funny hiding place, right? You want one, Yama-jii? They're chocolate chip. Except these ones here; they're sugar cookies. But they have pink frosting! And _sprinkles_! They taste pretty good with ceiling in them, too."

Yamamoto's eyes slowly traveled upwards until they locked with the fourteen humongous gashes in his ceiling.

The sound of his body hitting the floor in a dead faint went largely unnoticed by the busily chewing vice-captain.

* * *

><p>Yachiru: I want another cookie!<p>

Me: Sorry, Yachiru, you ate them all.

Yachiru: Give. Me. MORE. _COOKIES_!one!

Me: O_o OKOKOK YOU CAN HAVE A COOKIE. Jeez.

...

Teehee, Yachiru is really fun to write. She's such a dork.

Anyway, review and maybe you'll get a ceiling-cookie too.


	24. Asylum

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

Thanks to** RoseyChickadee** for this one! I absolutely love your suggestions, so I've decided to use a couple in the next few chapters. Enjoy!

Oh, and I'm sorry about the terrible lag between this installment and the last. I've been busy working on a fic for Danny Phantom, and I'm really into it right now, so I've been neglecting poor Yama-jii. Sorry, soutaicho! Here, take this new chapter to feel better...oh wait.

* * *

><p><em>22. Bug Yamamoto about retiring.<em>

Yamamoto was _not_ happy. Of course, nowadays, it was a rare occurrence that he _was_, but he felt the need to make his sentiments known nonetheless. It was one thing to have (mostly) harmless pranks pulled day in and day out...well, actually, that sucked too. Still, it was fifty times worse to have fainted in his own office, been dragged to the fourth division, and stuck in a hospital-style bed for a week for 'recovery.' It didn't help that Ichigo and Renji were constantly stopping by for what they liked to call 'friendly chats.' Yamamoto preferred the term 'torture sessions.'

Today was no different. The two troublesome gingers showed up precisely as Unohana left his room for the day, ready to cause more problems, no doubt.

"Aw, Ichigo, look," Renji smirked as he hopped through the window. "Poor Yama-jii is _still_ sick in bed."

"You know, if he gets ill this easily, it might be best to look into retirement," Ichigo crooned back.

"You're right. Sometimes its best just for old people to settle down. Can't have senile old men on the battlefield, right, Yama-jii?" Renji leaned on the soutaicho's bedside. Yamamoto did his best to stop from releasing Ryuujin Jakka on him then and there.

"You know, in the Living World, when people get too old to function right, we ship them off to a home or something. Can't we do that for poor old Yama here?" Ichigo was outright grinning now. Surprisingly enough, Yamamoto wasn't.

"Kurosaki, I am NOT going to a care facility any time soon," the old man finally interrupted.

Renji had the grace to look slightly ashamed. "Of course not, Yamamoto-soutaicho." Yamamoto started to allow himself to feel slightly smug when the redhead cracked a grin. "An insane asylum would make much more sense."

* * *

><p>Review for insane asylums! Yayyy!<p> 


	25. Dumbledore Dies

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipadae_

_…_

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (: I also don't own Harry Potter or Death Note. Darn. Don't own Twilight either, but who cares.

**Warning**: Spoilers ahead for Harry Potter, Death Note, Twilight, and Bleach. If you havn't finished them and don't want to know what happens next, don't read this chapter.

* * *

><p><em>23. Spoil every bookmovie he has not read/seen._

"Hey, Yamma-jii!" Ichigo called, hopping once more through the soutaicho's hospital window. "Renji and I figured since you're still in the fourth division, you're probably lonely."

"Yeah!" Renji called, joining his friend. "We love talking to you!"

"I'm asleep," Yamamoto deadpanned. "Go away."

"Oh." The two fell silent.

"Maybe we should wake him up!" Renji cheered. "We could 'bother' him 'til he gets up."

"I'M AWAKE," Yamamoto shouted, sitting up very suddenly. "No need to do anything, er, drastic."

"Great!" Ichigo smiled evilly. "So, you ever read any real world books, Yama-jii?"

Yamamoto blinked owlishly at the grinning ginger. "I couple, I suppose. Why?"

"Ever read _Harry Potter_?" Renji threw in.

"Um, the first one, once. I never had time to read the rest," Yamamoto sputtered. Why on earth were the two asking him this?

"Oh," Ichigo said. "Too bad, cause the end was really cool, right Renji? With the huge battle, and Voldemort taking over everything, and Dumbledore dying, and all that?"

Yamamoto groaned. There was something to take off his summer reading list.

"Didja ever watch Death Note, Yama-jii? It's really cool. Too bad L died and then Near tricked Light into revealing his was Kira and then Matsuda shot him and all." Ichigo said.

_L…died? Nooo!_ Yamamoto thought. _And who the heck was Near?_ He had never gotten a chance to finish reading the manga.

"How about _Twilight_, Yama-jii?" Renji asked. "You gotta like vampires, right?"

"Oh, I didn't like that one." Ichigo shot back. "See, that thing with Bella having a kid and Edward making her a vampire and then Jacob being left out but then going pedo for Bella's kid? Not cool."

Dammit. Yamamoto had _really_ wanted to read that one.

"Hey, Yamamoto, you ever watch Bleach?" Seeing Yamamoto's confused look, Renji plowed onward. "It's about this weird kid named 'Strawberry' or something, and he becomes a shinigami and fights hollows and stuff until this guy kidnaps his annoying friend, and he rescues her and kicks everyone's ass because he's secretly a hollow himself, but then he loses all his power and has to be a human again." Renji let out a breath of air.

Yamamoto stared. Ichigo stared.

"Oh, look," Renji said. "I accidently broke the fourth wall."

* * *

><p>Alternate Ending:<p>

_"Great!" Ichigo smiled evilly. "So, you ever read any real world books, Yama-jii?"_

_Yamamoto stared. "No..." O_o_

...

Haha. Anyway, for those of you who don't know, the fourth wall is the conceptual barrier that keeps fictional characters from knowing that they are, in fact, fictional characters. Breaking it is probably never a good thing.

Review, if only because I am now informing you that you, too, are only a fictional character.


	26. Professors and Hollows and Hugs, Oh My!

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N**: I, Pipadae, am a terrible person. _#hides under a rock_. You have my permission to shoot me. I feel so bad for leaving you and this story all alone for over a week. I was busy with school stuff, and then I had no motivation, and then I was working on a really cool DP story, and then...well, really I had no excuse. Please accept this chapter as an apology. I promise to get back to updating more regularly from now on. D:

* * *

><p><em>24. Tell Mayuri Kurotsuchi he is a hollow in disguise.<em>

"Oh, really?" Mayuri's eyes were wide under his dramatic face paint. "Are you sure about this, Kurosaki?"

Ichigo nodded gravely. "It's obvious when you think about it, Kurotsuchi. In my honest opinion, the whole war with Aizen could really be a set-up. Maybe he's really been working with him this whole time. The whole matter could really use some scientific research."

Mayuri grimaced. He knew as well as Kurosaki did that the soutaicho was _not_ a hollow, let alonean arrancar, but it could be fun to play along. Especially if it was in the name of science… "Very well, Kurosaki. I will investigate Yamamoto's suspicious hollow similarities. Now, get out of my office before I decide to research Vizards."

…

Yamamoto breathed out a sigh of relief as the nurse walked out of his room for the last time. Today, he was finally free of the fourth division; he could get back to his duties as soutaicho. He heaved himself out of the bed and strolled to the window, muscles screeching in protest. And what a beautiful day to be released from the hospital…

Suddenly, a dark figure burst through the window and pressed an odd smelling cloth against Yamamoto's nose. The sweet, cloying smell tickled his nose, and before he knew it, the old man was falling unconscious once more.

"Sweet dreams, Agent-Commander Wrinkles…"

…

Yamamoto blearily opened one eye. A shadowed form loomed before his face, but he was too dazed to focus on it. He blinked hard, and found himself staring into the face of Mayuri Kurotsuchi, inches away from his own.

"Aghh!" Yamamoto cried, scooting back in his chair.

"Sit down, Agent Commander Wrinkles," came a voice the soutaicho knew to be Renji Abarai.

Mayuri scowled and pulled back. "I thought I told you to go away. Observers are not allowed in my laboratory."

Ichigo grinned, and Yamamoto realized he was wearing a tuxedo and sunglasses again. "Ah, but you see, we're not _observers_. We're _secret agents_."

_We?_ Then Yamamoto noticed that the room was occupied not only by Kurotsuchi, the two gingers, and himself, but also five others garbed in human-style suits. _Oh, holy hakama, they think they're spies again._

"You're wanted for questioning, Agent Commander Wrinkles," Agent Strawberry said, pushing Mayuri out of the way. "We believe you may be a hollow."

Yamamoto performed a splendid double-take. "I'm sorry, what?"

"You. Are. A. Hollow." Agent Double-O-Pineapple said.

"And you're not even a beautiful hollow," Agent Feathers whined from the back of the room.

Yamamoto rolled his eyes. "And _why_ would you think that?"

"Um," Agent Squeaky started, pulling out a clipboard, "we have a list of evidence here."

Yamamoto snatched it from her grasp and stared dumbfounded at the page. In one corner was a badly photoshopped image of Yamamoto with a hollow's mask, and the rest was covered in old tic-tac-toe games.

"See?" Agent Kitty smirked. "You're a hollow."

"Shihouin," Yamamoto began, but was cut off by a collective gasp.

"Don't reveal her identity, Agent Commander Wrinkles!" Agent Strawberry shouted, waving his arms in the air. He cast a not-so-furtive glance at Mayuri. "There's _outsiders_ here."

"Aha!" Agent Midget cried. She pulled a sketchpad from her jacket and scribbled on it furiously before showing it to the occupants of the room. On it, Yamamoto could see an evil-looking, rather wrinkly bear and a badly-drawn cat. "Obviously, the hollow, having once had our trust, is going to reveal our identities to the world, and our covers as secret agents will be blown forever! We'll never complete our mission if he is allowed to continue!"

"How ugly," Feathers commented.

"Professor Kurotsuchi," Double-O-Pineapple said quickly. "Dissect this despicable hollow at once! For, um, scientific purposes! Yeah…"

_Dissect?_ Yamamoto gulped. Scanning the room, he noticed 'Agent Jiggles' in the corner. "Matsumoto!" he called out. "If you get me out of here, I'll make Hitsugaya allow you to hug him whenever you want for a full week!"

Jiggles' eyes widened. "A whole…week?"

"No, Jiggles!" Strawberry cried. "Don't give in!"

Barely ten minutes later, Yamamoto was back in his office, and Toushiro was being subjected to a rather forceful, brain-squashing hug.

* * *

><p>Aw, poor Toushiro. He's doomed...<p>

Anyway, as much as I would love your reviews, I don't deserve them, because I'm a terrible person.

...

That doesn't mean you still shouldn't review, children. _#reviewwhore_


	27. Dress Up

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N**: I did it again. #_cries. _I'm so sorry.

Buuut, on the plus side, this is the twenty-fifth Way. We're halfway there! Yayyy!

* * *

><p><em>25. Dress up.<em>

Yamamoto was woken that morning by the loud sound of angry rhinos breaking down his door with sledgehammers. Oh, wait-that was just someone knocking.

Sighing, the soutaicho rolled out of bed and opened his door fearfully. After the Kurotsuchi incident, he found that a little extra vigilance couldn't hurt.

Standing outside were-oh lord. _I should have seen this coming._

Two men stood outside the door, wearing suits. One had bright red hair and the other orange, but the vibrant locks were covered with dark bowler hats. The redhead had a monocle in one eye, and the other twirled a rather fake-looking mustache around one finger impatiently.

The mustache one coughed and said in a terrible British accent, "Top o' the morning to you, laddy."

Yamamoto sighed. "That's Irish, Kurosaki."

"Oh."

…

Not five minutes later, a second knock came at the door. Yamamoto tiredly wrenched it open, sighing, "Yes?"

This time, the two wore black robes, not unlike their shinigami shihakushou, but these were mostly worn open, and underneath the two wore white shirts, black pants, and red-and-gold striped ties. Simultaneously, the two raised their hands, which gripped rather crooked wooden sticks, and shouted, "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Yamamoto shut the door.

…

_Knock, knock._

Yamamoto opened the door.

Renji and Ichigo had changed clothes once more. Now, they once again wore their shihakushou, but each wore a white haori, a bald cap, and a long, fake white beard. "Hey, Yama-jii!" Ichigo said cheerily. "Look familiar?"

"Like looking in a mirror," Yamamoto growled.

…

_Knock, knock._

Wondering if maybe it would be best to just ignore them next time, Yamamoto peeked out from behind the still half-shut door. He was surprised, however, by the appearance of Ukitake and Kyouraku.

Relieved, the soutaicho opened the door the rest of the way. "Ukitake. Kyouraku. What brings you here?"

Ukitake cracked a grin and said in what was unmistakably Renji's voice, "These costumes work real well!"

* * *

><p>Yay! Happy 25th, Fifty Ways! Ok, and this time I <em>pinky promise<em> to update sooner.


	28. Happy Aizen Day!

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipadae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N**: Woohoo! I'm back! Sorrt I haven't posted in a bit. I had finals to worry about, and now summer's real busy. I'm also a counselot-in-training at girl scout camp this year, and there's no internet there. I'll do my best though, on my breaks.

Also, I'd like to say real quick that I know I haven't been fast in updating recently, but that doesn't mean you all can nag me or flame my other stories in an attempt to get me to update here. Not appreciated. You know who you are.

Well, on with the story! (:

* * *

><p><em>26. Tell him it's "Celebrate Aizen" day.<em>

Keeping to tradition, Yamamoto was woken up by loud sounds outside his window. Not that this ever surprised him anymore. Just another day, and another prank. It probably would have been best to roll over and ignore the ruckus, but Yamamoto just couldn't let Seireitei be trashed…again.

The old man fumbled beside his bed for his ever present cane, and upon finding it, he hauled himself up and to the window. The scene before him was _quite_ the surprise.

Just below his window was a giant platform stage, draped in light green cloth and sprinkled liberally with lilies of the valley. A crowd was gathered before the stage, all wearing white shirts emblazoned with…a face? Looking closer, the soutaicho realized that the shirts featured none other than a smirking Sousuke Aizen. Momo Hinamori stood on the stage, chanting, "Aizen-taicho! Aizen-taicho!" into a microphone. Yamamoto watched incredulously as the crowd echoed her wailing. Ichigo and Renji stood beside her, arms folded across their chests, grinning up at Yamamoto's window.

Yamamoto scowled. You can't just have a giant celebration for the most powerful enemy Seireitei had faced since…well, since the ryoka invasion, but still. This was an AIZEN party, for the Soul King's sake. _Completely _unacceptable.

Yamamoto wasted no time getting to the party, simply leaping out the window rather than taking the stairs. As his feet hit the stage, though, he was knocked off balance by the sudden appearance of a large, gaping black hole suspended in the air on the stage. The crowd cheered wildly as Aizen stepped out flanked by Ichimaru and Tousen. Hinamori squealed loudly and hugged her former captain, incoherently mumbling something about how big and warm his hands were.

As Aizen grabbed the microphone, though, Yamamoto knew something had to be done. He boldly stepped through the rushing crowds that had now pushed themselves onto the stage, intent on stopping the madness. He was brought up short, though as suddenly music broke out from hidden loudspeakers and Aizen began screaming a Lady Gaga song to the crowd, with Ichimaru and Tousen as backup dancers.

When Ichigo and Renji started to pole dance, Yamamoto promptly fainted.

…

"Are you awake, soutaicho?" came the voice of a young shinigami girl.

Yamamoto sat up quickly. "Where's Aizen? I have to stop the party!"

The girl nervously giggled. "You were having a nightmare, soutaicho. Aizen is still in Hueco Mundo."

Oh. As Yamamoto lay back down, he completely failed to notice the lone lily-of-the valley flower someone had left in the street…

* * *

><p>In case you were confused, the lily-of-the-valley is the fifth division's flower, and light green in their color.<p>

Review if you wanna hear Aizen singing Lady Gaga!


	29. Wiggle Wiggle

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N**: Credit for this idea goes to xXEmmetteXx! Thanks so much!

Anyway, I won't be updating again for a bit. The next session of CIT-ing begins tomorrow, and it goes for eight days. No internet. Then, of course, it'll be time for the highly-important Harry Potter movie marathon I need to have before going to see the eighth movie at midnight. I'll try to update during potty breaks or something. (:

Oh, and do forgive me this chapter. It's late right now in California, I haven't gotten enough sleep in the past few days, and I'm running a fever. Yay. So, it's not really the _best_ chapter I've ever written. Try to enjoy, though. (:

Oh, by the way, I changed my name so that the spelling is right now. Incidentally, it's also my name as a Counselor-in-Training. Imaginative, ain't I?

* * *

><p><em>27. During captains' meetings, send him creepy eyebrow wiggles.<em>

"And so, to deal with this problem…" Yamamoto continued in his usual monotone voice. It was the same stupid, boring meeting as always. He would discuss some minor issue, and the captains would deal with it. Things had gotten a bit boring around Seireitei since the ryoka invasion, honestly. Not that the soutaicho minded. A little calm for once was good for Soul Society. But still, these meetings…it would almost be worth something drastic happening, just for some variety.

"Yama-jii?" It was Ukitake. No one else, besides Kyouraku and sometimes Kurosaki, could get away with calling him that. Yamamoto looked up to catch the sickly captain slowing raising one eyebrow and lowering it. Weird.

"Yes, Ukitake?"

The white-haired man started, then looked the soutaicho straight in the eye. "I-I didn't say anything, Yama-jii."

There was an awkward silence. "Oh."

Yamamoto cleared his throat. "Anyway, as I was saying-"

"Yamamoto." The voice this time was Zaraki's.

"Yes?"

Kenpachi grinned and wiggled his eyebrows, then quickly resumed to his usual stoic meeting face.

_Creepy…_

Before the soutaicho could comment on it, though, both Kyouraku and Kuchiki suddenly gave the old man rather lunatic grins, their eyebrows waving wildly.

Wait a minute. Kuchiki _never _smiled. There _had_ to be something wrong.

Then Unohana gave her signature smile, while raising each eyebrow alternately. The effect was rather frightening to the poor soutaicho, who found himself backing into a wall, away from his obviously deranged captains.

But then, as soon as the horror had begun, all thirteen were back in their positions with perfectly straight faces. Soi Fon looked at the cowering Yamamoto curiously.

"Are you all right, Soutaicho?"

* * *

><p>Heh. Hope you survived my weird sense of humor. Anyway, let's see how many reviews I can get during the eight days I'll be gone. Last time, I got nearly <em>thirty. <em>That's AMAZING, you guys. I love you all to death.


	30. Cherry Blossoms, GO!

_…_

_**Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho**_

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N**: Yayyy! I'm back! I'll tell you, Brownies are litle pains-in-the-ass sometimes. Except when they're adorable. And want to play baseball with you. :3

Oh, yeah. And, up at camp, we counselors and CITs have camp-names so that there's a wall between our personal lives and our camp lives. Anyways, the name of one of the counselors was Rukia. I wanted to run up and hug her. There was also a camper who was honestly named Quincy. I think that's a real name, but nonetheless I wanted to ask her if she had a magic glowy blue bow.

Well, here's today's Way. Do enjoy. I'll probably update a few more times before I go back up for another session at camp. (:

* * *

><p><em>28. Make an entrance using large amounts of cherry blossom petals, pretending to be Byakuya Kuchiki.<em>

"Ichigo," Renji hissed, poking his friend in the ribs, hard. "Guess what?"

Ichigo looked up groggily. "What?" Usually he was the one waking up someone rudely, not the other way around.

Renji let a slow grin spread across his face. "Kuchiki-taicho is sick today."

…

One by one, the captains of each division filed into the meeting room. _Finally,_ Yamamoto thought with glee, _today would be the day the captains would address the problem of the troublesome two that have been plaguing Seireitei for god-knows-how-long._

First was serious Soi Fon, followed by a somber-faced Unohana. The captains of the second and fourth squads entered the room without ceremony and took their places on the left side of the room. There was a pause, and Yamamoto realized that Kuchiki wasn't following in his usual place after Retsu. The old man peered at the door, and made to get up. Suddenly, the door flew open and the air was filled with pink petals.

_Kuchiki must either be very happy, or very, very angry, _Yamamoto thought to himself.

A voice behind the petals yelled out, "Scatter, Senbonzakura!"

_Kuchiki _never_ yells,_ the soutaicho mused, a bit confused. _Definitely angry, then._

Then, the petals cleared, revealing a certain shinigami substitute, wearing a long black wig and kenseikan as well as the sixth division captain's haori. Keeping a perfectly straight face, he walked to Byakuya's designated spot and stood stoically. As the rest of the captains filed in, not one mentioned the rather obvious impersonator.

Yamamoto simply shook his head and sighed. This was bound to be a looong meeting.

…

Later, upon the discovery of the disappearance of a certain nobleman's headwear, the vice-captain of the sixth squad was found in the garden of said nobleman's manor, busying himself with quite a lot of chores.

* * *

><p>Um..heh. Forgive me.<br>Oh yeah. And, WOAH. SEVENTY emails regarding FFN in the past eight days. Did I mention how much I _love_ you guys?


	31. Pop Pop Pop!

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N:** Wait, wait, wait...Pipidae updated something? Holy mother of a nutcracker...

Uh...yeah. Sorry about the terrible wait. I'm lazy, it's summer...and uh...actually, I have no excuse. Feel free to drag me off to Soukyoku Hill.

Anyway, this one is for **Elle' Kelly**, who suggested it a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away. It is also for **Sargerogue**, who continuously bothered me to update. Thank goodness for these two. (:

_29. Bubble-wrap the first division._

In a field not far from the edge of Seireitei, a vicious battle raged between a particularly ugly hollow, which looked a bit like a kangaroo and sported a nasty shock of bright red hair, and an elderly-looking shinigami captain. The old man let a burst of fire shoot from his sword, imagining that the opponent before him was actually a certain orange-haired substitute from Karakura Town. With one last sweep of the sword, the hollow dissolved into nothing. _Take that, Kurosaki! _Finished with his duty, he flash stepped back to the fortress.

The streets were jam-packed with shinigami, at least, more than usual. Many, he noticed, were from his own division, and as he passed each one he gave them a curious stare that was most times ignored. In fact, they seemed to be positively avoiding him.

_This can't be good._

However, the crowd thinned as he neared the center of Seireitei, and as he reached it, he realized why. Every building, every wall, and the entirety of the roads in the first division were covered in bubble wrap. Yamamoto sighed and took a step into the minefield. _POP!_

_Oh, cheese curds._

Another step_. POPPOPPOP!_

Kurosaki and Abarai would pay for this. Maybe he could reinstate usage of the Soukyoku.

Trudging slowly to his office, he soon heard the faint sound of giggling. Upon investigation he found Yachiru perched on his own roof, slowly popping each bubble in a rather orderly fashion. _Pop…pop…pop…_

Yamamoto sighed and peeled away the bubble wrap stuck firmly to the door. It wasn't worth it to confront the little girl. In some ways, she could be scarier than her captain…

He settled down in his chair (_POP!_) and pulled a mound of paperwork onto his desk. Outside his window, Yachiru continued her gleeful, noisy assault. Determined to ignore it, Yamamoto slowly filled out page after page in neat handwriting. _Pop…pop….pop…_Yamamoto grit his teeth. _Pop pop…pop pop…pop pop…_

Aizen's left toe, was she getting faster? The old man stuck his head out the window, and met eyes with not one annoying, bright-haired shinigami, but three. Of course Ichigo and Renji would show up as well.

_Pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop…_

With a strangled cry, Yamamoto stuck his head out the window to give an almighty lecture. He stopped short when he realized that Ichigo, Renji, and Yachiru had been joined by all ten Espada. His mouth flopped open, about to say something, but he instead simply shut it, got up, and went to bed.

* * *

><p>Now, sit back, relax, and imagine Ulquiorra popping bubble wrap with Yachiru. You're welcome. (:<p> 


	32. Nyan

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N: **Well, dear readers, it's another one of those long-ish (at least for this story) chapters, so just-

Wait, wait wait! Stop the show! Pipidae's updating_ less_ than a gagillion years after her last chapter? What _is_ this madness? Has an evil alien taken over her brain? Is she brainwashed? Did Ken-chan get his bankai?

Oh, wait, no. I'm being this thing they call "responsobible" or something like that. Sorry if I got the word wrong. It's not one I use too often. (:

Aaaaanyway, I'm dedicating this one to **xDevilishAngelx**, who provided me with the material for this chapter in a lovely review sent to me a couple days ago. I just couldn't get the image out of my head…

Oh, a quick note, too. A _LOT_ of you guys sent me some pretty entertaining ideas recently. I plan on using quite a few in the future, so keep your eyes peeled if you made even the slightest suggestion. Maybe you offhandedly said to me, "Holy hakama, Pipidae, I sure do enjoy pink elephants." And maaaaybe those pink elephants would show up in the next chapter, hm? Oops, just thought of a new chapter…Well, enough of this ridiculously long AN. You don't want two hundred-odd words of me blathering on. Onward, to love, laughs, and annoying the crap out our favorite old guy.

Oh, wait, one last little announcement. (Sorry). If you are unsure of the phenomenon mentioned in the prompt, please look it up on Youtube. I recommend the Omega Extended version. It's worth it.

_30. Nyancat._

It began a day like any other. Yamamoto rose early, warily checked his quarters for signs of infestations of strawberries and pineapples, and, finding none, headed cautiously to the kitchens for a good breakfast. He did indeed find said breakfast, and ate without interruptions. In fact, it seemed as if the day would end up relatively good for the old man. The sun shone bright, Renji and Ichigo were nowhere to be seen, the birds sang merrily outside his window, and Renji and Ichigo were nowhere to be seen. A morning so peaceful should have been a warning sign for the old man. He should have anticipated the horror that later became known across Seireitei as The Day of Nyan.

The evils unleashed were barely noticeable at first. The first thing that caught the soutaicho's attention was the odd sounding chorus of birds. It was no strange thing to hear birdsong in Seireitei, but these particular birds just sounded…off. Listening closely, Yamamoto realized they weren't quite chirping. Instead, they almost sounded like…cats? Crediting the incident to too little sleep, the old man continued on his way.

As he strolled down one of Seireitei's many paths, the chirping of the birds only became louder, and more and more in tune with each other. If he didn't know better, he would have said that they almost could have been singing…if not a rather obnoxious, overly-cute song. He didn't have the chance to dwell on it though, for at that moment, a flash of color caught his eye. Faster than even his trained eyes could follow, a blurred grey-and-pink shape flew across the sky, leaving behind a rainbow trail that would have made Ichinose jealous. Yamamoto stared at the bright, pulsating rainbow in fascinated horror. Was this the work of some new, very eccentric hollow? Was Soul Society in danger?

After careful observation of the fact that no one seemed to be screaming, it was clear that the answer was no. However, this didn't hinder Yamamoto from detesting the loud rainbow that arced through Soul Society's sky. Determined to get to the bottom of the phenomenon, he flash stepped towards the source, somewhere in the eleventh division.

It wasn't long before he located the end of the rainbow trail. It sat outside the eleventh division's barracks. Yamamoto drew his zanpakuto, and with the tip, carefully prodded the shining rainbow arch. The sword passed straight through. Confused, he thrust his whole arm at it. The rainbow appeared to be entirely intangible. Hm.

Deciding it couldn't do any damage for the time being, Yamamoto backed off a bit, and instead began a look for Kenpachi. He might know why a giant rainbow had suddenly decided to grow out of the ground.

After a substantial amount of searching, he found only Yachiru, sitting in a tree and relishing a cookie she had found somewhere. _Probably off the ground again_, Yamamoto thought wryly. He cautiously approached, and from a safe distance, asked the little girl a question. He shouldn't have been scared of a tiny child, but honestly, after the "ceiling cookie" incident, he had quite enough reason to.

"Uh, Yachiru-fukutaicho?"

Yachiru simply chewed her cookie without answering.

"Do you, by any chance, know the reason for the giant rainbow in your division?"

This got a reaction, for sure. Yachiru practically flew out of the tree. "A rainbow?" she cried. "We've been blessed by the great Nyancat!" She took off running toward the barracks, leaving a stunned soutaicho behind.

_Nyan- what?_

It was then that he heard the sound of a kitten mewing. _Oh, holy hollow hats, don't tell me it's Yoruichi again…_

Looking around, he finally spotted the form of a dark colored cat hiding in the shadows.

"Shihouin?"

The cat gave another mew and trotted out into the sunlight. Yamamoto gaped.

On one hand, it certainly wasn't Yoruichi. The cat's face was clearly grey, not black, and honestly, it looked a bit too happy to be the ex-captain. On the other hand, it certainly wasn't any normal cat, either. It's body was…was that a _poptart?_ The cat looked up at Yamamoto and very clearly said, "Nyan!"

A catty smiled crossed its face, and it suddenly broke out in song. "Nyan nyan nyan nyan~"

The old man could only gape. Good lord, that was the annoying song he had been hearing all morning! And worse, yet, it wouldn't shut up. Suddenly infuriated by the absolute overbearing cuteness of the little creature, he drew his zanpakuto, and with one sweep of the long sword, the silly poptart cat exploded in a burst of rainbows and sprinkles, accompanied by a high pitched "NYAN!"

A few seconds later, though, Yamamoto fully regretted his action. Almost immediately, he felt himself shrinking, becoming oddly shaped, and suddenly he felt the urge to soar through the air.

Somehow, he managed to fly, and did so quite gleefully. Yet it didn't feel quite right.

_Of course!_ he thought. _I should sing!_

Pleased with the idea, he opened his mouth and began to belt out the only song he felt would be appropriate for the situation…"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan~"

…

The rest of the day was a day of happiness for all of Soul Society. Everyone was blessed at least once with the presence of the mighty Nyancat, who flew everywhere spreading rainbowy goodness. The people celebrated their good fortune with a festival of poptarts and rainbows. It seemed that the soutaicho had chosen to forego the festivities, but, then, with the continuous party, no one cared too much about his absence…

* * *

><p>Wow. That was by <em>far<em> the weirdest thing I've ever written. Good lord...


	33. Dolly Sheep

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N: **You may be wondering as to why, after having months go by with very few updates, I've now updated _three_ times in about a week. Well, I feel bad for one. I've kinda let this story just die out a bit, haven't I? No fear, though! On August 22nd, when I go back to school, we'll start getting more regular updates. On the downside, though, I'm going on vacation again on Friday. Which means you might not get updates until the twenty-second. Did I mention how stupid it is that the day I get back from vacation is the day before school starts? And that I'm missing orientation, which means I'm not getting my schedule 'til the first day either? Or my books? Or my yearbook photo? Or an ID card? Or a lot of things that would be REALLY handy? Grr...

This one goes out to **MorganBanner **for some delightfully devilish ideas.

* * *

><p><em>31. Clones.<em>

Yamamoto woke up that day with a splitting headache, a terrible aversion to poptarts, and a strong urge to make rather cat-like sounds. Cursing Nyancat and whoever had come up with the stupid thing with all his might, he rolled out of bed and stormed out into the first division grounds, thankful that he didn't appear to be an obnoxious cat anymore.

He angrily continued on for the rest of the day, doing his best to ignore the giggles of the shinigami around him. It was hard; it seemed that everyone had been involved in the Nyancat festival the previous night. He thanked his lucky stars that Ichigo and Renji seemed to have the sense to stay far, far away from him today. Whether it was that they were nervous about approaching him after their last escapade or that they were simply off planning something somewhere Yamamoto didn't know, but the soutaicho was grateful for the lack of extra annoyances nonetheless.

In fact, the pair was missing for most of the day, and the first time Yamamoto spotted either of them, it was only a miniscule glimpse. He had been on his way to a meeting with the Central 46 when a shock of orange hair in the crowds caught his eye. Yamamoto whipped around, ready to face certain death, or at least, certain annoyance, but Ichigo was gone. Shaking his head, he turned back around and continued his walk.

It was less than five minutes later when he caught a glimpse of orange once more. This time, he didn't hesitate, but dove into the mass of shinigami after the troublesome substitute boy. Suddenly, right before him stood Renji and Ichigo, both smiling rather repellant smiles.

"Hey, Yama-jii!" Ichigo shouted, waving, even though the man stood in front of him.

"Hi, there, soutaicho!" Renji said, a wide grin on his face.

"Well?" Yamamoto asked gruffly. "What are you going to try today?"

"Hey, Yama-jii!" Ichigo said again. "Hey, Yama-jii! Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey…" Ichigo was acting a bit strange, that was for sure.

Then, to Yamamoto's great horror, another Ichigo jumped down off a high wall, and smiled and waved. "Hey, Yama-jii! Hey, Yama-jii! Hey, Yama-jii!"

Then two more Renjis pushed into the crowd. "Hi! Hi! Soutaicho! Hi!"

Oh, vaizard vomit. They were EVERYWHERE. The crowd had becoming nothing but ginger shinigami, shoving themselves toward the soutaicho in an act of over-friendliness, all screaming various forms of, "Hey, Yama-jii!" or, "Hi, soutaicho! Hi!"

Yamamoto felt like it was impossible to breathe. Everywhere he turned, there were too many of his least favorite people to count.

"HEY HEY HEY HEY HI HI HI HI HEY HEY HEY HEY HI HI!"

"SHUT UP, YOU IMBECILES!" Yamamoto screamed, tearing at his hair.

There was silence for a moment, then a new voice called from across the way. It was Kyouraku, laying on a nearby roof as was his habit. "Heyyy Yama-jii~"

"Oh, shut _up,_" Yamamoto whined, and stomped back to his office.

* * *

><p>Yayyy! Anyway, I apologize for the Nyancat chapter. I think I thouroughly confused quite a few people. (: Just say to yourselves, "Pipidae's weird, I'll go back to reading the story and posting lovely reviews now. Especially the reviews part."<p> 


	34. Yummy in My Tummy

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N: **I'm back! For those of you wondering, Alaska was fantastic. Ever seen a pod of whales bubble-net feeding? Cool stuff.

Sorry, this one is gonna be insanely short. And probably not the best I've ever written, grammar/spelling-wise, either. The real reason I was posting tonight was because I needed a break from another story I'm writing. Which, by the way, brings us to my next topic.

This is really only pointed at anyone who knows anything about the Western cartoon called Danny Phantom. If you like the show, or even if you don't, I could really use some help. See, I'm writing a story over in that fandom and need some advice on what to title the fic. Anyway, if you wouldn't mind wandering over to my profile and voting in the poll, please do. It would mean a lot to me [and save my ass.] Thanks a bunch, you guys!

Oops. Did I say ass? In a K+ story? Well, damn. You've seen worse, right?

Dedicated to **Hysterical Insanity** for some entertaining reviews, one of which included this idea.

* * *

><p><em>32. Feed him Orihime Inoue's cooking. <em>

Genryuusai Shigekuni Yamamoto prided himself on being a man of exquisite taste. He may not have had the class that a noble as, say, Byakuya Kuchiki had, but he was still one to enjoy the finer things in life. He had quite a liking for a fine glass of wine every now and then, any trip in the human world requiring a gigai would result in the purchase of an Armani suit, and classic literature would always be a favorite of his. In accordance with this, it was only natural that when a fancy envelope offering him a taste of the work of an anonymous, but apparently highly respected, chef came to his office one day, he promptly accepted.

…

_Tick…tock…tick…tock…_

Yamamoto kept his eyes sharply trained upon the clock in the corner of his office, anxiously awaiting the moment when this fancy chef would come bursting through his door to serve him delicious food. His mouth watered as he imagined delicate sushi rolls, sweet fruits, and his personal favorite – bean paste. When the minute hand slowly passed over six o' five and continued its steady path forward, he fidgeted nervously. The chef should have arrived at six sharp. Five minutes late was rather surprising….and quite disappointing.

_Tick…tock…tick…tock…_

Six o' six…six o' seven…six o' eight…six o' nine…_BANG!_

The door flew upon, crashing into the wall, and Yamamoto jumped in his seat at the sound.

In flew a brightly colored mess of orange hair, giggles, and a bit too much chest. The girl pushed a cart covered with stacked trays , all clinking and clattering against each other. She flung one tray almost haphazardly onto the table as she neared, and when she turned, Yamamoto got a glimpse of her face. Oh, no. This was no award-winning-fancy-shmancy chef. No, this was Orihime Inoue, who was nearly as annoying as Ichigo and Renji in Yamamoto's eyes. And that tray on the table seemed to be purple, steaming, and…moving?

This was gonna be a _long_ dinner…

* * *

><p>Alright, guys. There you go. School's started up again, so we might even get back to the one-a-day schedule we used to be on. Wouldn't that be fun? Anyway, if you're a Phan, please don't forget to vote. My brain is dying here.<p> 


	35. The Power of a Purple Tutu

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N: **Sooo, you guys. Guess what? I'm getting better and better at updating on time! ::bows:: Thank you, thank you. I won't bore you with another ridiculously long A/N. Just one thing to mention: if you happen to be a Phan, please go vote on the poll in my bio. It would mean a ton to me. If you're not sure if you are a Phan, you're probably not.

Dedicated to **RavenWingDark** for this fabulous idea…sorta…

* * *

><p><em>33. Use your natural stupidity.<em>

Yamamoto never liked eavesdropping. Relations between the officers of Seireitei should be built on trust and mutual understanding and other such flouncy crap, in his mind. Eavesdropping, therefore, was a break of that confidence. He should have had enough conviction towards the soldiers of Soul Society that any intrusion on their conversations would not have been an intrusion at all, but rather a welcome gesture of camaraderie. Yet there he kneeled, ear pressed to a glass cup firmly glued to the wooden door that, it seemed, all of Seireitei currently his behind.

_By Urahara's hat, _he grumbled silently, _it's not enough to hear only this much._

And indeed it wasn't. The bits and pieces of conversation that were funneled into his wizened ear by the small drinking glass gave him little to no information at all.

"_Hollows…" "Attack plan alpha sev-" "Ballroom dancing!"_

Wait, no. That had to be wrong.

And what on _earth_ was this attack plan?

Yamamoto should have never questioned it.

…

It happened later that night. Seventeen dark-suited figures practically flew through his office window, landing in a practiced battle formation in front of his desk. The soutaicho barely had to glance at them to figure out who they were. Who else would act that ridiculously other than his old friends Agents Double-O-Pineapple, Strawberry, Kitty, Jiggles, Midget, Feathers, and Squeaky. For some reason, however, they had been joined by ten new faces. Yamamoto would later learn their names as Braids, Smiley, Noble, Fluffy, Pinky, Frosty, Crazy, Creepy, Sickly, and Ugly. He resisted the temptation to call them by their usual names, having long since discovered the consequences of such action.

Yamamoto stood up from his chair, still not looking at the agents gathered before him.

"Agent Commander Wrinkles-" Strawberry began, but Wrinkles cut him off with a lazy wave of his hand.

"We will attend to the mission in a moment. I need my sunglasses to begin."

Solemnly, Double-O-Pineapple handed the sacred sunglasses to the commander. Donning them majestically, the old man surveyed his forces.

_Good grief. What have I gotten myself into?_

…

Once they entered the field outside Seireitei, however, Wrinkles soon learned that his position as Agent-Commander was honorary; it appeared that during missions, Strawberry and Double-O-Pineapple were the true leaders. Wrinkles didn't really mind. He never really knew what was going on anyway. He mostly joined the eccentric group to avoid unpleasantness, much of which he was sure would involve Yachiru, sugar, and a chainsaw.

"Attack Plan Alpha Seventeen-teen begins now!" Strawberry shouted, pacing in front of the amassed agents. "The eight members of Squad Uno will begin the attack with the Putple-Tutu-Power-Force-Attack. Squad Dos will follow us up with the Giant Pink Pig. Agent Fluffy will lead that team." To the right, a large anthropomorphic wolf wearing sunglasses and an ill-fitting suit nodded gravely. "On my signal!" cried Double-O-Pineapple, holding up a odd-shaped whistle. It looked a bit like a…bird? With a mighty intake of breath, the tall redheaded agent brought the device to his lips and blew, resulting in an obnoxious duck sound. Immediately, the agents scattered, half going one way and the rest another. To be safe, Yamamoto followed after the group headed by Agent Fluffy, but Agent Noble turned him back.

"You are meant to go with Squad Uno, Agent Commander Wrinkles. We appreciate your concern for Squad Dos, but you are more needed there."

"I, uh…knew that." Yamamoto stuttered weakly. "I was testing your intelligence. "

Noble nodded, his face entirely straight. "A wise move for our wise leader." In a flash he was gone.

Yamamoto turned on his heel and scurried after the other group of secret agents. By the time he had caught up, he realized they had all gone through another costume change. This time, each agent sported a purple ballerina's outfit adorned with sequins and rhinestones. Deadpan, Jiggles tossed yet another hideous outfit at the soutaicho. "Change quickly!"

Yamamoto intended to refuse, but at that moment, Strawberry off-handedly mentioned the possibility of an appearance by a so-called "Agent Cookie." The soutaicho took no time donning the purple tutu after that.

Soon, all eight agents of Squad Uno were headed in the direction of a particularly large source of reiatsu.

"Agents-GO!" yelled Strawberry and Double-O-Pineapple simultaneously. At once, the seven agents who were actually aware of the situation leapt into action…only to perform a mid-air version of _Swan Lake._ Yamamoto buried his face in his hands. _Good lord._ _There is no way possible that this will defeat a hollow._

Indeed, the hollow seemed to be shaking with mirth rather than with fear. Nonetheless, the seven tutu-clad agents continued their ballet, unshaken by the lack of hollow demise.

At that moment, ten new agents burst out into view, all riding…pigs? At the head of the formation rode Agent Ugly, who was screaming, "Go, Bonnie-chan, GO!" into the wind. The hollow, distracted by the ridiculous entertainment in front of him, never noticed when ten pig-borne gunmen took him out.

…

Still recovering several hours later, Yamamoto suddenly realized the moral of the story. Never underestimate the value of Ichigo and Renji in tutus.

* * *

><p>What can I say? I adore the Secret Agents. Sure hope you guys like to read them as much as I love to write them.<p> 


	36. Slug Bug Yamamoto

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N: **I apologize, for perhaps the millionth time, for lateness. On the plus side, my birthday was on Monday! As in...a week ago...when I planned to double update as a present to my readers...see how well that turned out?

Dedicated to **animekisses** for the idea.

Anyway, because a good deal of you seem to be confused on the identities of some of the Secret Agents from last chapter, I hereby disclose this top-secret information unto you. Don't let Strawberry know; he'd kill me for telling you.

The Agents (In General Order of Appearance)

Squad Uno:

Double-O-Pineapple – Renji

Strawberry – Ichigo

Squeaky – Momo

Jiggles – Rangiku

Kitty – Yoruichi

Midget – Rukia

Feathers – Yumichika

Wrinkles – Yamamoto

Squad Dos:

Braids – Soi Fon

Smiley – Retsu (What, you thought it was Gin? Don't be ridiculous, Gin is in Hueco Mundo…how on _earth_ would he get to Seireitei? A concert, you say? Pft…heh..heh…what…nonsense..heh…)

Noble – Byakuya

Fluffy – Sajin

Pinky – Shunsui

Frosty – Toushiro

Crazy – Kenpachi

Creepy – Mayuri

Sickly – Juushiro

Ugly – Ganju

You're welcome. Please take this gift and never become confused again. In fact, print this out, tape it to your ceiling, laptop, forehead, whatever…

* * *

><p><em>34. Import VW Bug cars into Seireitei.<em>

Ichigo sighed slightly upon reading the latest prank he and his partner-in-crime would pull. Where in Soul Society was he going to get a bunch of German cars? He chuckled lightly to himself upon the thought that they could bully Byakuya into buying a few…it wasn't like the proud captain actually _supported_ his and Renji's shenanigans…

To the strawberry boy's great surprise, twenty multi-colored punch buggies appeared in the sixth division the next morning.

…

Byakuya sighed slightly upon the latest idiocy of his vice-captain and the substitute shinigami. You'd think the second-best fighter in the entire sixth division and the boy who appeared near the top of his class every year would have figured this out by now…

…

Yamamoto sighed slightly upon the discovery of Ichigo and Renji skipping along behind him, swinging their arms back and forth merrily. Both mouths were open in the biggest, stupidest, cheesiest smiles the old man had ever seen, and he had a rather hard time deciding exactly which one of them looked the most imbecilic. Yamamoto stared forward, deadpan. He would _not_ look back at the two grinning morons.

Suddenly, ahead, the soutaicho heard a scream, a crash, and…honking? Then, a strangely-shaped purple _human_ automobile came barreling around the corner of the street, driven by none other than young Hanatarou of the fourth division. The car ran headlong into a wall, and the flustered boy screamed "Sorry, sorry!" before backing out and careening off once more. The shock of seeing a decidedly mortal-world object in Seireitei that _wasn't_ Kurosaki and his stupid friends was nothing compared to the shock of being slapped hard in the back of the head two seconds later.

"SLUG BUG PURPLE!" Ichigo screamed.

Yamamoto pivoted quite fast to berate Kurosaki, but both he and his accomplice had turned as well, and, holding the hands innocently behind their back, had begun whistling. Yamamoto winced. They were quite off-tune.

Instead of picking a probably useless battle, the soutaicho turned on his heel and marched off down the street. Less than a minute later, yet another, albeit much better handled, Beetle was driven down the street, this time by one Shuuhei Hisagi. The lieutenant's face was screwed up in concentration, but he appeared to be managing his vehicle much more carefully than Hanatarou.

"SLUG BUG WHITE!" came the simultaneous cry, and this time two hands slapped the back of Yamamoto's head.

"Oh," Renji said. "I'm not sure who won that round. You might have hit first, but we went so fast, I couldn't really tell…"

"Tie breaker?" Ichigo suggested.

Renji grinned. "One…two…three!"

"_SLUG BUG WHITE!"_

The force of the hit nearly knocked the old man over.

…

Hour later, as Yamamoto slept in his infirmary bed, Ichigo looked up at Renji. "Well, it's still a tie…maybe one more go?"

They were soon shooed out by a rather angry Retsu.

* * *

><p>After finishing writing this, I realized that not everyone plays the game this way, and perhaps some aren't even aware of this<em> lovely<em> tradition. Anyway, if you don't know, in the Slug Bug game, every time a VW Beetle passes you, you must scream out "Slug Bug (color)!" and then proceed to punch your friends. Good entertainment. Some people call it Slug Bug, some call it Punch Buggy or god knows what else...I don't think it really matters. I grew up in a dinky town called Rio Linda and we always played Slug Bug there. Do drop me a line if you call it anything else, though. (:


	37. Thievery

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N: **Aha! I know I've been a terrible updater in the past, so I finally came up with a plan for myself so I don't go missing for several weeks at a time. From now on, you'll get a new chapter of FWtAtS every third day, or every twenty-five reviews, whichever come first.

Also, one last announcement before we torture Yamamoto for a bit…

I absolutely can't believe it, but this imbecilic little story is actually nearing _one thousand_ reviews. Holy mother of Aizen's left toenail. This is_ incredible_. I _love each _and _every_ one of you so much for sticking with me this long and giving me so many beautiful reviews and ideas. Thank you. Anyway, I understand it may not happen for a bit, but the thousandth reviewer gets to choose what the next chapter will be, whichever chapter that happens to be. _Whatever_ they want. Short of anything I can't sneak into a K-rated fic, of course. Aaand there's one other secret little prize, which I'll tell you guys…someday. (: Anyway, thanks a lot to every one of you fantastic readers, and especially **xJ11Cx**, who gave me today's story.

* * *

><p><em>35. Steal Ryuujin Jakka.<em>

Yamamoto was now rather used to waking uncomfortably. He had, in the past, come forth from blissful sleep to the horrors of screaming Aizen fans, weird Pop-tart cats, and on several occasions, secret agents. But the morning on which he awoke to be missing the one entity he had known the longest in his time in Seireitei was altogether different.

"KUROSAKI!" the angry cry reverberated around the white-washed walls of the shinigami fortress.

"Yes?" A familiar annoying substitute poked his head through Yamamoto's window as if he had been waiting for the call all day.

"_Where is Ryuujin Jakka?"_

"Roojy who now?" Ichigo asked, putting on his most innocent face.

"My zanpakuto, you moron. What'd you do with it?"

Ichigo grinned and held out his hands. "Haven't seen it. Why would _I_, a _lowly_ substitute, have the great captain-commander's sword?"

Yamamoto felt like his head was going to explode, but before it could, his bedroom door did instead.

"Hi, Captain Wrinkles!" came a cheery voice. A little girl with bright pink hair stood in the wreckage, smiling brightly and waving. "Look what I found!" From behind her, she drew a familiar sword – Ryuujin Jakka. "It's an airplane!" Yachiru yelled.

"Wait- no-" Yamamoto started, but the sword was already out the window.

"Oh," mumbled Yachiru, a bit forlornly. "It didn't fly too well…"

…

Today had not been Rangiku Matsumoto's best day. She had run out of sake before noon, Toushiro wouldn't let her hug him, it was far too cold for her taste outside, and Toushiro wouldn't let her hug him. What she really wanted was a way to start a nice big bonfire to warm herself up. And maybe it would warm Toushiro's cold personality, too. Then she could hug him all she wanted.

Then, out of nowhere, a sword fell from the sky and landed point-down in the street. Matsumoto gave a little shriek and jumped back, one hand flying to Haineko at her side. Upon realizing that she wasn't under attack, she cautiously looked at the sword before her.

What luck! It was none other than Ryuujin Jakka, the most powerful fire-type zanpakuto in existence! Rangiku cheerfully skipped away, toting the sword and whistling. Maybe today wasn't so bad after all.

…

Hours later, the busty shinigami sat in her captain's office, fiddling with the stupid thing. No matter what she did, Ryuujin Jakka wouldn't even start a spark for her. She had tried everything, including getting Haineko to talk to him and dousing the sword in sake, which sometimes worked for her own zanpakuto. She had no idea where the ridiculously pompous weapon had picked up such a bad habit as drinking, but that was of no matter. Right now, Rangiku was too frustrated with Ryuujin Jakka to really care.

"Alright, fine! Be that way!" she yelled at the sword, and threw it out the window.

…

Gin Ichimaru did _not _like suddenly finding a sword impaled in the ground next to his left foot. Heck, he only came to Seireitei to find some good food, terrorize the new shinigami, and maybe streak through the first division. The Espada, as it turned out, were terrible at making tasty food and they were definitely too hard to scare, especially when so many of them had a bad habit of cero-ing first and asking questions later. Seireitei, on the other hand, was full of weak fighters absolutely terrified of him, who would readily give him chocolate cake if he so desired.

However, the sudden arrival of someone's zanpakuto absolutely scared the pants off of him. After the initial shock, though, it wasn't soon before he grew curious and took a closer look at the sword. Hmm…Ryuujin Jakka, was it? What fun he could have with this!

…

Hours later, Yamamoto stumbled into the twelfth division to find Momo Hinamori, Gin Ichimaru, and Renji Abarai happily holding hands and dancing in circles around poor Ryuujin Jakka, who was painted purple and covered in Hello Kitty stickers. Yamamoto sighed. He hated Hello Kitty…

* * *

><p>My fifty-year-old history teacher calls it "Hella Kitty."<p>

Why is Gin there? 'Cause he can.


	38. The Flock Wants You

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N: **::nervous giggle:: You know when I set a plan for myself to remember when I was supposed to update? I failed at that, didn't I? In my defense, though, this week has been full of super-stress and an overload of homework.

Not a very solid defense, is that?

Dedicated to **ClayFlowers**. I don't know if he [she?] realizes what she [he?] did by kinda-sorta-suggesting this, or that this is a legit prank (that I've done, may I add), but I LOVE this idea. So much.

* * *

><p><em>36. Flocking<em>

Seireitei had, in general, been through a certain amount of hellish situations as of late. Plagues of so-called 'Secret Agents', Soul King Chappy, Yachiru, and, of course, the infamous Day of Nyan had occurred a little too frequently. The streets of the great shinigami fortress had been covered in Aizen fangirls, black cats, and bubble wrap on various occasions. But when Yamamoto walked out of his office one day to find the entirety of Seireitei coated in the one thing he never expected to find in Seireitei, he was rather surprised.

_By Ichigo's Hairy Left Toe-knuckle,_ the soutaicho thought, somewhat bemused and bewildered. _Even despite the high obnoxious factor of it all, the feat is still rather…impressive._

Indeed it was. The streets of Seireitei were, as it turned out, filled to the brim with a surplus of pink plastic lawn flamingoes. They stood glaring down from roofs, or peeking out from behind corners. Millions stood upright in the narrow corridors stretching from division to division, and more spilled endlessly from open doorways or windows.

_At least they can't do anything destructive. They're human lawn ornaments. And they're pink._

Oh, how wrong poor Yamamoto was. At that very moment, the nearest flamingo opened its plastic beak and issued forth Ichigo's laughing voice.

"Hey, Yama-jii! Renji and I just wanted you to know that flamingoes can be a lot scarier than you'd think."

_What?_

"You might want to run."

Suddenly, the black, beady eyes of each lawn ornament glowed scarlet, and each flimsy pink head turned and stared directly at Yamamoto.

"_Yaaaaammmaaaammoooootoooooo….."_

In case you've never heard the sound of millions of pink plastic flamingoes hissing your name, you should know that it is a terrifying experience. Yamamoto ran.

* * *

><p>Whatisthisidonteven...<p>

No really. Flocking is a fundraiser type thing. You stick a bunch of flamingoes on someone's lawn, and leave a note giving them three options: 1) Pay you money to get them off their lawn. 2) Pay you money to send them to someone else's lawn. 3) Get these #%*$&! flamingoes off my lawn before I get the taser.

No, seriously. It's fun.

Ever been flocking? Ever been flocked? Scared to death of flamingoes now? Review!

* * *

><p>Oh, by the way. The thousandth review thing? Still in effect. Thousandth reviewer gets their choice of ANYTHING for a chapter, and one special surprise to the 999 and 1001 reviewers, too.<p> 


	39. Stiff Like a Board

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N: **Hey! See that? I updated after 25 reviews, just like I said I would! Amazing, right?

Remember, 1000th reviewer gets his or her choice of anything for this fic, and the 999th and 1001st reviewers get a secret prize. We're getting closer now...

Dedicated to **animekisses**.

* * *

><p><em>37. Planking <em>

Planking (noun): The act of lying face down atop an object, landmark, animal or other person, then stiffening one's form so that one's arms are firmly held by one's side and toes are pointed; taking on the physical characteristics of a plank. Planking is usually recorded and uploaded to social networking sites to gain kudos for the level of comedy, aestheticism or endangerment accomplished in execution. Being an act that is far too popular for its own simplicity it, of course, annoys the hell out of a large number of people. Genryuusai Shigekuni Yamamoto is one of those people.

Perfect.

…

To the soutaicho, it was one thing to awaken in the morning with your favorite stuffed animal or perhaps a beloved cat or dog curled by your side. It was quite another, however, to find Vice-Captain Renji of the Sixth Squad lying face down on the edge of your bed, completely motionless. After releasing what was quite possibly the girliest scream he had ever uttered in his life, Yamamoto took it upon himself to check and see whether or not the redhead was still alive or not.

With one extended finger, he poked him quite hard in the side. "Abarai?"

No reaction. The natural response to such a situation, then, would be to poke him again. "Abarai?"

Still nothing.

Further investigation could have been pursued had a maid not have decided at that moment to wheel in a large covered cart, presumably with a delicious breakfast on it.

"Happy birthday, Yamamoto-soutaicho!" she called. "Here is your celebratory birthday breakfast!"

Yamamoto blinked. "I don't believe," he started slowly, "that today is my birthday."

The maid looked quite crestfallen. "Oh." She turned and slowly wheeled the cart away, head hanging low. "Perhaps I should take this _marvelous _and utterly _fantastic_ tasting feast away then…"

Yamamoto stared hungrily after it. He could smell eggs, toast, _bacon…_

"On second thought," he called, "perhaps today _is_ my birthday. I must have forgotten."

The maid brightened instantly. "Great!" Too quickly, she wheeled the cart to the foot of the bed and hurried out without further comment.

Yamamoto, in his haste to feed upon what was surely the most decadent breakfast he had eaten in years, accidentally kicked Renji, long forgotten at the end of the bed. The old man heard a muffled, "ow", but no further reaction was given. _Oh, stuff you,_ Yamamoto thought, turning back to his breakfast. He carefully lifted the gleaming silver cover to find…

Ichigo, face down on the over large plate.

"Gahh! Kurosaki! Get out of my breakfast!"

In a flash, Ichigo and Renji had both jumped up, winked, at sped out the window.

_Good riddance,_ Yamamoto thought. Then he realized Ichigo had taken the bacon.

…

Seireitei that day was a weird sight. All day, everywhere, shinigami lay face down on whatever surface they could find. Rooftops, streets, each other. It was stranger than the flamingo incident the day before. Nobody moved, nobody talked. They just lay there. Yamamoto did _not_ like it.

After hours upon hours of simply watching people lay there, the soutaicho was quite fed up with it all. Even dear Hitsugaya-taicho, who had always tended to resist the stupid shenanigans of the scheming substitute and his shinigami sidekick, was no resting solidly on his stomach on the ruins of the Sokyouku. Oh, the horror of it all.

At twelve-o-clock noon, however, the most curious thing happened. As the twelfth bell chimed, signaling the time, each planking shinigami got up in unison, did the Macarena, and proceeded to squat on the tops of every available high area, staring with wide, unblinking eyes at Yamamoto (_much like enormous, lethal owls..._he thought). They stayed until midnight, when each one dispersed silently to their usual nightly residences.

It was long before that, however, that poor Yamamoto returned to the first division, confused by the odd activities of his entire army.

…

There never is any rest from the Fifty Ways, of course. As he returned to his sleeping quarters, he found seventeen suited figures in his room. They all hung by their feet from the rafters, and hummed a catchy little tune. Yamamoto ignored them as he always did, and tried his best to sleep. He had only shut his eyes for mere minutes, of course, when the voice of Agent Strawberry pierced through the dark.

"Get up, Commander Wrinkles. We Batman until midnight."

And so they did.

* * *

><p>Planking is real. Owling is real. So is Batmanning. Done any of them? ...me neither. I <em>want<em> to go Batmanning...but I think I'd fall.


	40. ZigaZig Ha

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (:

**A/N: **Well. That's that. We did it. We _did _it! ::squeals:: One _thousand_ reviews. You guys are _the best_ reviewers in the _history _of FFN. _Ever._

But, on another note, we gather now to announce the winners of the 1000 Review contest. The two Secret Surprise Winners are…** LogicofFire **and **Hysterical Insanity!** Big round of applause to you guys. (: The prize will be announced around Way No. 45 or so. Aaaaand, of course, the big winner is…** Pallas Athene!** Congratulations to you! Don't have a theme from her yet, but in the meantime, here's one that about fifty of you suggested last time.

* * *

><p><em>38. Hold a flash mob.<em>

Upon reading number thirty-eight on the list, Ichigo could not help but smile. He knew automatically the perfect song, and the perfect person to sing the lead…

…

Yamamoto was cranky. He had spent a good portion of his usual sleep-time the previous night hanging upside-down off various surfaces in Seiretei by the strength of his ankles, and had managed to fall on his head multiple times. If he didn't end up with some sort of brain damage, he'd been rather surprised. And how the Agents had managed to stay up all night, he had no idea.

It was of no matter now, of course. Now all that mattered was that he as hungry and wanted a good long nap. That was impossible, however, due to the fact that half of Seireitei seemed to be missing again. While not an unusual occurrence when concerning one or two shinigami, the disappearance of the equivalent of almost six squads was a bit unnerving. The remainder seemed unconcerned by their comrades' absence, however, which made Yamamoto suspect something was up. Either Aizen had found his way into Soul Society again, or worse, Ichigo and Renji were planning something again. Either option was a cause for great alarm, the latter more than the former, though, and Yamamoto immediately threw himself into a plan for action. There would be no panicking, however. These types of ordeals were best dealt with using calm logic and brainstorming. He called a captain's meeting.

After waiting around for several hours, it became apparent that not one officer was showing up.

_NOW would be a great time to panic…_

_…_

The next plan of action would be, of course, to wander aimlessly around Seireitei, searching fruitlessly for the missing captains. Yamamoto preferred to call it "Conducting a Search Party."

Upon coming to an empty corridor, the soutaicho stopped short, feeling that something was wrong. He peered down the alleyway for a moment, and was rewarded when Ichigo, in full bankai, appeared. He took eight measured steps down the stone walkway, stopped and laughed, awkwardly reminding Yamamoto of a horror movie. Then all hell broke loose.

From the roof jumped Yamada Hanatorou, accompanied by thousands of shinigami. They struck a pose, and then Yamada opened his mouth and yelled out, "_Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want!"_

To the soutaicho's horror, the entire amassing of shinigami replied "_So tell me what you want what you really really want!"_

_"I'll tell you what I want what, what I really really want!"_

_"So tell me what you want, what you really really want!"_

To Yamamoto's horror, Yamada, Ichigo, and Renji were now doing some sort of provocative pelvic-thrust in his direction. He buried his face in his hands.

_"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zig-a-zig ha!"_

Unfortunately, it got worse. All twelve captains, each wearing a different colored miniskirt and boots, burst out of the crowd, and sang out the next verse.

_If you want my future, forget my past,  
>If you wanna get with me, better make it fast,<br>Now don't go wasting my precious time,  
>Get your act together we could be just fine.<em>

The verse was accompanied, of course, by the entire shinigami force doing the disco.

At this point, Yamamoto felt it was in his best interest to go back to bed.

Seireitei sang him to sleep.

* * *

><p>It was between this and Pokemon theme. Then I thought of poor little Hana saying "I really really really wanna zig-a-zig ha!" and couldn't stop laughing.<p>

Edit: Thanks to **RukiaGellega **for pointing out that Yamamoto is a captain, and therefore only twelve captains can be wearing miniskirts. ::hands a cookie:: Remember, guys, if I screw up really, really, badly like that, please don't hesitate to tell me.


	41. I Got a Rock

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (: Oh, and I definitely don't own The Great Pumpkin.

**A/N: **Still awaiting a theme form the thousandth reviewer, but in the meantime I bring you this lovely slice of Halloween terror. I apologize for going AWOL for so long, but I completely ran out of ideas. Luckily for you guys, writing this got the ol' creative juices flowing again, so you can expect another update pretty soon. Oh, and if this chapter goes right over your head...well, shame on you. Go watch some Charlie Brown.

* * *

><p><em>39. Insist the Great Pumpkin is coming.<em>

"Yama-jii! Yama-jii!" Ichigo suddenly shouted up from his place on the floor, where he was busy trying to tie Yamamoto's beard to a chair. He looked crestfallen, and for some reason the soutaicho just didn't have the heart to ignore him. It was Halloween, after all, and that was Yamamoto's favorite holiday.

"What?"

"We don't have a pumpkin patch."

Perhaps ignoring him would be okay. The old man forced himself not to roll his eyes or punch the substitute.

"We _don't?_" Renji screeched from the other side of the room. He had been happily adhering scratch 'n sniff stickers to the office walls for the past hour, but now he stopped and bounded across the room. "Heavens to Betsy, what will we do?"

Yamamoto stared at the redhead. "What, do you want to carve pumpkins or something? Because you're _not _using them for anything else. I absolutely forbid it."

Ichigo, who obviously didn't have Yamamoto's restraint, rolled his eyes dramatically. "Silly soutaicho. That's not what pumpkin patches are for."

"Oh?" Yamamoto prompted, discretely untying his beard from the chair leg.

"Yeah, Yamamoto. Don't be so silly," Renji parroted.

There was a long pause. Yamamoto tried to ignore them, he really did. He twiddled his thumbs and did some paperwork, but in the end, their broad, unblinking grins disturbed him to the point of playing along.

"All right, all right. What are pumpkin patches for, then?"

"To fix broken pumpkins, of course!" Ichigo giggled. Then he sobered up and put on a serious face. "Actually, they serve a grave purpose. Each year, the Great Pumpkin rises out of the pumpkin patch he thinks is the most sincere. This year, it _has_ to be ours. It _has_ to. But…we don't have one."

_These guys are nuts._ "There's no such thing as a great pumpkin, Kurosaki."

Ichigo narrowed his eyes. "Just you wait, Yama-jii. He'll be here. And he'll bring us toys and candy and whatnot. Just you wait…"

…

Seven hours later, Yamamoto was still tied up by his own beard in a newly planted pumpkin patch, little more than seeds and mud. Ichigo and Renji were dancing around and singing an improvised Great Pumpkin anthem, which sounded suspiciously like the My Little Pony theme song.

Working his mouth free of the hairy gag, the soutaicho called out, "I don't think the Great Pumpkin picked your patch. Can we go home now?"

Renji stopped warbling for a moment to answer. "He'll be here!"

Suddenly, a dark shape rose from the seemingly barren ground. A tall shape unfurled, spreading a billowing shadow across the patch.

"It's the Great Pumpkin! It's the Great Pumpkin!" Ichigo and Renji cheered.

"Greetings, shinigami. I come today to reward your very sincere pumpkin patch with toys and candy and whatnot." The shape threw a large amount of tootsie rolls and play-doh before the three shinigami and vanished.

Yamamoto squinted. He knew that voice…

…

Byakuya had never stooped so low in his life. However, he was fairly sure he had never had quite that much fun, either.

* * *

><p>Happy Halloween to all!<p> 


	42. Bumblebee the Gay Wizard

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (: Oh, and I definitely don't own Harry Potter

**A/N: **Home stretch here, you guys! Last ten and all! Bittersweet, eh?

I have some news for you all. First, I'd like to announce the prize for our runners-up from the 1000 review contest, **LogicofFire **and **HystericalInsanity**. Of course, there's good news and bad news on this one. Good news: You guys get your prizes! Yayyy! Bad news: It's not the original prize. See, originally, I was gonna write a sequel to FWtAtS, and the two were to get a sneak preview about a week or two before it came out. Unfortunately, I've decided that any sequel I write will not be written any time soon, due to the fact that I really should do my homework instead of writing this thing. Therefore, I hereby offer Logic and Insanity art of their choice, drawn and digitally (hopefully...!%#^ photoshop) colored me. It can be anything, from their own fics to their OCs to…I dunno…this story? Whatever, provided I'm slightly familiar with the fandom.

Also, before we continue, does anyone know **Pallas Athene**? I still haven't gotten word from her since she won the contest… ):

Well, without further ado, I give you: Way Number 40. If this one just goes right over your head...well, that's pretty sad.

* * *

><p><em>40. Insist he is Dumbledore. <em>

For once, Yamamoto was not woken by Ichigo, Renji, or the screams of terrified shinigami fleeing from the obnoxious duo. Nor was it a group of secret agents or even the screams of delighted shinigami running _toward_ a certain obnoxious duo. Oh, no. Today was quite different. Today the soutaicho woke up to the rather sheepish face of Chojiro Sasakibe, who had quite a few red feathers taped to his forehead.

"Please get them off me," the lieutenant sighed, batting Ichigo and Renji away again.

Renji responded by jumping on his back and covering the man's mouth with one hand, and using the other to wave a finger at his captive. "Shh! You can't talk, Fawkes!"

Today would be long indeed.

…

"You see," Ichigo explained patiently, sipping his tea, "there's no way normal humans can walk on air and have magic swords and stuff…"

"We're not really humans, Kurosaki," Yamamoto cut in desperately.

"So we must all be wizards!" Ichigo cried, ignoring him.

Yamamoto wasn't sure which was more crazy: the idea, or the fact that the substitute was managing to drink tea while sitting on the ceiling.

"Think about it, Yama-jii! It all fits! You have an academy that plucks special people off the streets, sorts them into sections, and trains them to use powers with the aid of a cool weapon!"

Renji flicked Ichigo in the head. He, too was sitting upside-down on the ceiling. "That makes you a mudblood, strawberry-boy."

Ichigo gave a dramatic gasp, reeling back and falling to the floor. "That's _offensive!_ Professor Dumbledore, sir, please deduct points from the sixth division!"

Yamamoto stared. "What did you call me?"

"Professor Dumbledore," was the smart reply.

It was about then that Yamamoto began considering retirement.

…

Later that day, Yamamoto sat is his office eating dinner. Renji ate there too, but only because it wasn't worth it to chase him out any more. Ichigo, it seemed though, was not present at the meal. _And good riddance,_ Yamamoto thought.

At that moment, however, Rukia, who was angry at her lack of appearances in this story, burst into the room screaming, "TROLL – IN THE DUNGEONS!"

Yamamoto rolled his eyes. He really didn't want to know…

"Thought you ought to know," she whispered, and promptly fainted.

"Oh no!" cried Renji. "Harry, Hermio-ichi is still down there!"

_Who on earth is Harry?_ thought Yamamoto. _And…Hermio-ichi?_

It soon became apparent as Rukia popped up behind him, now wearing glasses and carrying an owl, and hollered, "Then let's go save him!"

They sped off through the window, and Yamamoto curiously began to follow. Ichigo, however, burst in through the door, grabbed his arm and pulled him back to a chair. "No, no, no!" he scolded. "Dumbledore doesn't go to the dungeons to check on the troll. You stay here and pet your pet phoenix."

Sasakibe waved embarrassedly from the corner, the feathers still taped to his head.

…

Seven hours later, Yamamoto was woken by the largest crash he had ever heard, just outside his window. He jumped out of bed and hurried to the window, just in time to see a spray of red sparks burst up from two dueling figures outside his window. Upon closer observation, he realized one was Rukia, still carrying an owl in one hand. The other figure, Yamamoto realized, was none other than Sousuke Aizen.

_Holy. Crap._

Yamamoto grabbed his zanpakuto and threw himself towards the battle. No way could little Rukia hold off the incredibly powerful ex-captain by herself. He would have to fight to prevent her injury. However, no sooner had he left the windowsill than had he been bowled over by Ichigo and Renji.

"No, no, NO!"

"You're _dead_, Dumbly! You can't go and fight!"

"Get off, Kurosaki!" Yamamoto roared. "We don't have time for this! That's _Aizen_ down there! He'll annihilate Kuchiki if I don't help!"

Ichigo stared, dumbfounded. "Aizen? That's nuts."

"Yeah, Yama-jii. That's can't be Aizen," Renji said. "Look, he doesn't have a nose. It's obviously Voldemort. Let Harrukia deal with it."

The soutaicho looked closely. Sure enough, the robe-clad figure did indeed lack a nose.

"Oh, screw this." Yamamoto went back to bed.

* * *

><p>Yeah...Idon'tevenknow. If you understood the chapter title, props to you.<p>

Thanks to **RukiaGallega** for catching another dumb mistake.


	43. I Got a Jar of Dirt!

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (: Oh, and I definitely don't own anything else I ripped off this chapter.

**A/N: **-shot-

Okay, um...it's been a while, hasn't it? Seriously, though, next time I slack off like this, someone yell at me. Just shoot me a PM saying, "Pipidae, you mediocre dunce, update your story, for goodness sakes!" And I will. Hurr.

By the way, to all the winners of the review contest, please come claim your prizes. I _will_ give them away if you don't. *poke*

Anyway...I dunno what this is.

* * *

><p><em>41. Have a pirate battle.<em>

There was so much to do, and so little time. Costumes to sew, parrots to be taught to speak, and of course, some fancy-shmancy lingo to be learned. And where in Soul Society's name could they find enough boats?

…

Yamamoto originally wrote off the odd flash flooding as a result of one of Kurotsuchi's experiments gone wrong, or perhaps because Matsumoto was drunk and bawling again. _After all,_ the soutaicho thought,_ who in their right mind would fill Seireitei up with water?_

Wait a minute.

Stupid question.

Yamamoto leapt up to go find Ichigo and Renji.

…

It was too late. Yamamoto arrived on the scene to find two full-sized Spanish galleons floating in a recently-made lake at the base of Soukyoku Hill. The wind rippled across the churning blue waters, up into billowing canvas sails, and whipped through the orange hair of pirate captain, standing tall and proud on the bowsprit of his ship. A feathered red tri-corner hat perched jauntily on his brow, and a heavily jeweled sword swung from its scabbard at his belt. A haughty smirk graced his lips before he yelled out across the water, "Ahoy, Captain Zaraki! It might be best if ye walked the plank before me crew reached ye!"

The wind carried the cry across the waves to its opposing ship, dark and battle-scarred. On her deck stood a tall man in a black coat and hat, waving a hook-hand for all his worth. On his shoulder perched a rather oversized pink parrot that screeched, "Ken-chan wants a cracker!" every so often. The captain, Zaraki, laughed uproariously and shouted in reply, "Arr, Kurosaki! If ye be wanting me treasure, I'll fight ye to the death for it!" He reached into a deep pocket and, pulling out a tiny ball, yelled out, "Ikkaku, I choose you!" He threw the ball across the deck, but nothing happened.

The parrot poked him. "Wrong story, Ken-chan," she whispered.

Zaraki looked a bit sheepish. "Oh." He drew his sword instead, and yelled, "In that case, look out, ye landlubbers!"

With a heated battle cry, the two ships fired cannonballs at each other. Yamamoto noticed, from his safe distance, that they were shaped oddly like…fishcakes? Naw, that couldn't be right…

Meanwhile, Captain Kurosaki's crew, consisting of First-Mate-Pineapple, Kittybeard, Jiggles the Scurvey, Midgetheart, Ol' Feathers, and Squeaky the Deckhand, had apparently managed to board Zaraki's ship, and was engaged in an epic battle on the poop deck. After all, Ichigo would reason later, what's more entertaining than fighting on a poop deck?

On the other side of the ship, Captain Zaraki and Captain Kurosaki appeared to be holding an intense battle that involved much more backflips, cartwheels, sword-clashing, and manly grunts than real fighting.

"Avast, ye son of a bilge rat!" cried Kurosaki, swinging his sword wildly.

"Shiver me timbers, ye grog-snarfing sea bass!" yelled Zaraki, performing a series of quick front handsprings that probably served no purpose in the battle.

"To Davy Jones' Locker, ye scrappy swabbie!" Kuroskai roared, doing a headstand.

"Swab the decks, ye yellow-bellied kraken!" Zaraki retorted, breakdancing.

"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!" Kurosaki screeched, knitting a scarf.

The parrot poked him, too. "Wrong story, again."

"Oh."

The two stood still for a moment, thinking up new insults. Across the way, Yamamoto began to become rather impatient. "Hurry up and fight it out already, ye pox-faced sea dogs!"

Oh crap. Did he actually say that?

Ichigo grinned, swept his hat off his head with a flourish, and bowed. "My work here is done." He and Kenpachi linked arms and skipped off, singing, "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me…"

…

The next day, Yamamoto was shocked to find a new ship floating beside the other two in that ridiculous lake. Aboard it was a pirate with long black dreadlocks decorated with beads, a funny-looking beard, and, oddly enough, a jar of dirt. He was scowling, and upon spotting the soutaicho, called out, "Hey, what's going on here?"

The parrot poked him. "Wrong story, silly."

"Oh."

* * *

><p>I can't stand Pirates of the Carribean. Subsequently, I know nothing about it. I apologize.<p>

I do know, however, that they have ridiculous sword battles that involve spinning and backflipping and prancing and whatnot. A note to all prospective pirates: spinning is never going to help you in a battle. You will get stabbed.

Hurrr. Ikkaku, I choose you to review! (:


	44. Strawberry Santa

_…_

**_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_**

_Pipidae_

…

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Bleach. Nor do I own this idea. It was all Kirani56's idea, and I'll love her forever for letting me use it in Bleach. In fact, if you love Danny Phantom, you should go read 52 Ways to Annoy Vlad. It's fantastic. (: Oh, and I definitely don't own anything else I ripped off this chapter.

**A/N: **Happy holidays, everyone!

A couple of things to point at before this chapter starts. First off, it's dedicated to **RukiaGallega** for a lovely inspiration. Second, all hail Clement C. Moore for the poem I so blatantly ripped off. I think you'll know which one, hopefully by the first line. Third, I don't mean any religious intolerance by the chapter. Just take it in good holiday cheer, would you?

* * *

><p><em>42. A Visit From St. Ichigo<em>

'Twas the night before Christmas, throughout Soul Society,  
>Just two creatures were stirring, of great notoriety.<br>Their zanpakutous hung from their sword sheaths with care,  
>In hopes that young Shiro-chan soon would be there.<p>

The soutaicho snuggled all warm in his bed,  
>While visions of Ichigo danced through his head.<br>And Ichigo and Renji, that darn dreadful pair,  
>Camped outside his window, in cold winter air.<p>

When very nearby, there came Hitsugaya,  
>Scowling and muttering with eyes like cold fire.<br>Up to the captain, they flew in a flash,  
>Poking his forehead and tugging his sash.<p>

They offered him candy, they bribed him with dough,  
>If only he'd let them borrow some snow.<br>And lo! To their wondering eyes did appear,  
>A world of white snowfall, a sleigh, and eight deer.<p>

"Get your own Santa," he said with a glower,  
>And ran fast away with his flash-stepping power.<br>Ichigo quickly took up the reins,  
>And whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:<p>

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!  
>On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen!<br>Eight soul reaper captains stared, quite confused,  
>At being called reindeer, and weren't all amused.<p>

But even so the captains, each one and all,  
>Swallowed their pride and desire to bawl.<br>They picked up their feet and leapt into the air,  
>Delivering presents with shinigami flair.<p>

And then, in a twinkling, Yama heard on the roof,  
>The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.<br>Yama-jii woke; from his eyes wiped his slumber,  
>And saw that his chimney Ichigo encumbered.<p>

He was dressed all in red, from his head to his foot,  
>And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;<br>A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,  
>And he looked quite malicious just opening his pack.<p>

His eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples - how merry!  
>His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!<br>He winked, gave a smirk, then said with good cheer,  
>"Yama-jii, Santa Claus finally is here."<p>

Yama's eyes rolled, and he pointed one finger,  
>At the wide-open door, "Don't bother to linger."<br>Strawberry sniffled, and with a few tears,  
>Said, "But all that we wanted was holiday cheer."<p>

The soutaicho sighed, and in holiday spirit,  
>Let Ichigo call for his 'reindeer' to hear it,<br>They all settled in by a great roaring fire,  
>Drank eggnog and chestnuts, decked in Christmas attire.<p>

Retsu, Byakuya, Kenpachi and Aizen,  
>Ichimaru, Shunsui, Juushiro, and Sajin.<br>With Renji as Rudolph and Ichi as Claus,  
>In battles with Yama there came a small pause.<p>

"Christmas," Ichi said, "Is no time for fighting."  
>So they sat all at peace under dim candle lighting.<br>And as sleep claimed them all, Yama murmured sans bite,  
>"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."<p>

* * *

><p>:3<p> 


	45. So long, folks

Hey, guys. Pipidae here. c:

It's come to my attention lately that this story has gotten ridiculously popular. I get really sweet reviews from you guys almost every day, despite the huge hiatus this has had. You guys are freaking awesome. I absolutely _love _seeing all your dedication and the joy you get from reading this story.

_Fifty Ways to Annoy the Soutaicho_ was, for me, a breakthrough into the world of fandom. It was the first real story I ever wrote, and Bleach was the first fanbase I ever felt like I belonged in. No matter how much I look back at this story and laugh about my first attempts at writing, no matter how much I cringe at my constant degradation of the characters of _Bleach_, I'll always look back with fond feelings for this fandom.

Unfortunately, you can't expect me to be static. In truth, I haven't watched _Bleach_ in over a year. Yeah, that's nearly half a year before my last update. I tried to keep it going despite my failing interest in the series, but by now I can't remember half the characters, and I don't even know any of the latest characters. I probably couldn't even tell you the last thing I read in the manga.

I'm really sorry to have to say that this story is officially over. I don't think it was fair of me to keep you all waiting for this announcement for so long, though I'm sure a lot of you suspected it was coming. Once again, though, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for your kind words and hilarious suggestions you've left over the past year and a half this has been running. It's really been a huge joy of mine to hear from all of you.

My best wishes for all of you,  
>Pipidae.<p> 


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